Simplicity of love...

We all have those moments in a relationship where we feel insecure, whether it's with a partner, a friend, a family member...any loved one. We are afraid to show our inner selves, always trying to show this "upgrade" of ourselves that we want to be, that we think is worthy of the love of others. Like I hear many people say, "you fake it, til you make it!"

Over years we discover the imperfections in others and allow some of our own imperfections to come through. We realize that nobody is perfect and so we allow ourselves to breathe and release some of that imperfection to see the light. Allowing ourselves comfort in the trust and love we build with other people....but we still overanalyze, pick at every detail, create stories of what others are thinking, imagine alternate endings to moments that have passed us by or moments yet to come. All this time trying to project ourselves as this "upgraded me" that people will want to be around and safe-gaurding ourselves from the pain of being lost or let go. We try to second guess others in order to be the one to walk away first. We put up this wall we call "protection" but others see it as "dishonesty". This wall doesn't protect us, it keeps us caged, unfree to join hands and express the love we so long to give and receive from another human being.

Will we ever realize our TRUE potential and stop complicating the simplicity of love?

 

                                      * inspired by Christina Perri's "Arms"

Sincerity and Reality

I've been through a lot in my life-time and have come to realize that every person I have met is walking through life interested in one thing....THEMSELVES.

I have come to question the sincerity of people and the love that is shown. It seems every person I meet no matter the length of time, the relationship, sex, race, age etc...they all end up thinking of life as a race. A race to have the most fun, a race to own the most crap, a race to make their own lives easier and more pleasurable. Very rarely do I meet people who truly give of themselves and reach out to an injured soul with no other thought but to heal.

I have been through a lot with family and although I have cut myself out of the picture that once held us all together in laughter, I am never able to cut out the hatred, resentment, jealousy, and pain that is still with me. The best I can do is try to move forward with life.

I have tried to understand it, tried to reason it, tried to forget it, tried to forgive it but it lingers in the back of my mind, waiting for a moment, a single memory that brings it all back.

But I won't give up. I no longer sit in the darkness of the shadows that people once cast around me but instead I walk freely in the sun and choose to enjoy every moment I have with my husband and son. The sincerity of people is still questionable to me but at least now I know to trust in myself and what I know to be true. I take the day as it comes and give of myself only when it will not hurt me in return but I will always hold myself at a distance...waiting to test the sincerity of the next person that comes along.

There is this episode of “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” that has always stuck with me because of this scene where a girl takes off all these fake items and Will Smith is just disgusted by it. It makes you think how women are just fake and phony.

                                         

It is amazing how going to the drug store and buying a few things, you can change who you are into a totally different person! You can change your hair color, add hair extensions to give it a different look, cover your face with the various make-up products there are, add fake eyelashes, change your eye color with contacts, push up bras to make you look “plumper”, stick on finger nails etc…

Why is it women are so obsessed with looking like Barbie dolls? Whatever happened to natural beauty? Doesn’t anyone want to look like themselves anymore? Everyone is too busy chasing after this fake image of beauty, nobody realizes that no person REALLY looks like that...

Don't get me wrong, I can't live without my eyeliner! It's the one thing I wear on a daily basis but I still keep it simple. I don't overdue my face with make-up or wear fake hair, nails, contacts etc... I understand sometimes it's fun to dress up and look different but not on a daily basis. I'd rather just look like plain old me.

Appreciate the little things in life...

We as human beings easily get side tracked by pretty shiny things. We want to live the best life possible. We want the coolest car, the nicest house, the 2 bedroom closet that looks like you have a store in your house, the mounds of money to go on trips and buy whatever the hell we want etc...

But how often do we stop and think, "I am so lucky for all I have. In fact I have too much." NEVER!!!! ha ha

The past 3 years have been a real challenge for me! My husband lost his job due to the economy crashing, we got into a crazy amount of debt trying to keep our apartment with the thought that he'd find work soon, had to sale our car, had to move into a room because we couldn't afford anything and ended up having to start over.

I have gone crazy with stress over how to make things work. My relationship struggled because I let finances stress me out and lost site of the important thing in life...LOVE!

While my husband has not been able to find a job, he has never stopped loving me, consoling me, and being the greatest dad in the world! He knows I love him and forgives easily when I freak out about him spending a few dollars to buy our son a burger while their out. He comforts me with reassuring words and even though it upsets me to here him be so confident while I am so unsure of things....I know he's right. He is what makes me so humble.

I have always been a worry wart. He lives carefree with the thought "if we have it great but if we don't than oh well!" While I sit to the side crying about not having our own place, not being able to do more things or go out more with our son. He reminds me not to overlook the little things like the fact that at least one of us has a job, we have our awesome son and we are lucky enough to have a place to sleep and food to eat.

Working with low income families you learn just how little a person can get by on. I've had families of 6 that are staying in a room with no furniture and making less than $6,000 a year and yet here I am complaining about not having my own place! We all need to step back and look at what we have and learn to give more to others. Have an extra $5? Grab a sandwich and give it to the first homeless person you see. Donate that extra $20 to an organization you believe in. Make a difference in someone else's life and make them see that things will get better one day at a time...

When the Real World met the Cyber-net

Me and the hubby were talking the other night about how crazy technology has gotten.

For one cellphones first started out huge and then started getting smaller. It was all about being compact and portable. Now cellphones keep getting bigger and bigger in order to get bigger viewing screens and more applications. Pretty soon we will be carrying around laptops to our ear to talk! ha ha ha

I remember being in high school in 2004 and barely buying myself a crappy little NOKIA pre-paid phone. That thing was so good to me. The battery lasted for days and it never froze up on me or crashed. Now my cellphone is either plugged while I use it so I know it won't die on me or it's being plugged in at least twice a day because the battery runs out given I'm using the applications 24-7!

The cellphone pretty much replaced everything! No need for laptops because your phones have internet, Word Document applications to type up papers, no need for a camera because your phone now has one for video and pictures, no need to get a game system because you've got thousands of games at your fingertips AND you can play with friends that are in a different continent!

It's amazing how things evolve. I used to think over what fun things I was going to do with friends on the weekend or what adventures I was going to get myself in now the only way I hang out with friends is by following their facebook, Pin-terest, Twitter etc...I remember a time when hanging out with friends was all about getting together in one place, actually seeing each other and talking about something other than what stupid thing someone posted on facebook...actually doing things! Now when I go out with people, everyone is sitting quietly staring at their phones the whole time.

It seems like everyone is just in a race to show off who is having a more exciting night. Facebook went from catching up to seeing people post crap every 5 minutes about what they bought at the grocery store, what they ate for lunch, what they saw on t.v., if they took a shit or not!

Now-a-days most people don't even comment on anything, they just "LIKE" it and repost it or simply ignore it.

Unity in an economy that's falling apart....

I'm not ashamed to admit that I have posted ads on the "Strictly Platonic" section of craigslist to find new friends or other young parents to hang out with. I got like 6 emails, not including the pervs looking to get laid,  that's all that answered it. I've kept in touch with those few over text or emails but we never hang out or talk on the phone. It just seems like as much as we say we should hang out or do something, nothing ever happens. It's like running into that friend you haven't seen since high school and you both smile and hug and say "we should catch up one of these days" and you both agree but as you walk away you think "oh god why did I have to run into her"... 

Well a couple days ago I posted an ad looking to talk to other young couples that were going through economical problems, mainly looking for guys to talk to so I could get a guys perspective on things.

*I must mention my hubby has been out of work for a over 2 years and we've had to move in with family because we can't survive on my paycheck alone. We've had a lot of fighting and disagreements because of money and him trying to find work or do something productive with his time. Whenever I try and talk about the debt we are in or how we are going to make it to my next paycheck he just huffs and puffs like I just asked him to clean the entire house. He is not good at expressing himself, he gets tongue-tied, just shuts down or just gets mad. He for some reason can never work through an emotion or explain what he's feeling or thinking. So I thought maybe if I got another guys perspective I could maybe find a better way to approach the issue.

Well anyway within an hour I had 22 emails from all these people who wanted to help me! I will say 5 of them were just pervs saying they could make me feel better by doing something naughty to me but the rest were actual people saying they were going through something similar. There were maybe 3 women but all others were men and they varied from mid 20's to late 30's, married, dating, divorced, selling their house, living with family, has a kid or many kids, don't have kids etc...

It was amazing to see the response I got. Not only were there men out there willing to listen to a woman's problems but they were asking for the same. Many of the guys wanted someone to talk to about their problems too and the more I talked with them, the more I found our lives to be SO similar! In a world where the economy is falling apart and families are struggling to stay united, we find comfort in other people going through the same difficulties.

With the "happy-exciting" ad I posted looking for friends to go out and have fun I got maybe 10 emails in a week but with the "need someone to talk to" ad I had 22 emails in just one day! I must say I am amazed to find people gathering together with strangers in times of hardship rather than having fun with friends to get their mind off of things. In an economy where families are being broken apart because of  $$ we find comfort in knowing we aren't the only ones suffering. Somehow knowing there is someone else out there going through the same frustrations we are, make everything seem a bit easier to deal with. Plus the fact that people are willing to listen to strangers and offer help or advice is just amazing to me. Maybe the world isn't as cold-hearted as I thought...

Strength of a mother...

I used to always look at my sister with her daughter and always see laughter, love and craziness. I saw a normal mother and child just playing, laughing and sharing love.
I didn't see a child who couldn't talk, couldn't walk, who had to breathe through a whole in her throat etc...To me she was a normal kid with some disadvantages like being clumsy or something. To me her medical needs were not huge factors they were just hiccups in life. I took notice of her handicaps for slight seconds in a day, like if she'd sneezed and I said bless you and then just continued on with life.

My sisters house always seemed to be the normal for a mother of 3, messy. It was never filthy but never sparkling clean ha ha come on she had 3 kids! I never paid a lot of attention to the boxes of medical supplies that got delivered, the infusion pump they used to feed her daughter, the prescription bottles, the suction machine they had to carry everywhere or even the nurse that came to watch her daughter everyday. To me her house was just a home, I never saw it as a small hospital.

It's amazing the things we don't notice when it isn't us. I am glad to say I saw my sister's life as normal and happy because that is exactly how she sees it. But it's crazy for me to wrap my head around a percentage of all that she does to take care of her daughter. She deals with so much that I'm surprised she has time to sit and watch a movie with her kids.

I find it annoying to have to schedule my son's dentist/dr. visits as well as mine every year but my sister has to coordinate between a number of Dr.'s just for her daughter. I can't even remember to give my son his vitamin every morning and my sister somehow manages to remember what prescriptions she's got to give her daughter, at what times, when to refill and so forth! I hassle with a nanny while she hassles with training new nurses so that they can take care of her daughter while she is at work. She has truly grown to love her daughter's nurses like her own family and how could she not. They are there for her in ways none of us are. They take care of her daughter, play with her, help her in school, attend all Dr. visits and are there to hold my sister's hand when she needs to cry it out.

There is so much more that my sister does but I'm not going to go all into detail, this blog is just about recognizing the AMAZING mother that she is. I dedicate this blog to my unbelievably strong and courageous sister! I hope to be even a tenth of the amazing, loving, fun mother that you are....