Now and Then

Now that I’m a momma a lot has changed, particularly how my time is spent. I’ve had to let some things go but have gained a new world filled with laughter, frustration, giggles and lots, lots, lots of I love you’s.

I remember back to the days when I would be out walking until 3am or would wake up randomly in the middle of the night and go for a walk at 4am in the morning, even though I had to be at work at 8am. Sleep just wasn’t a big necessity. My weekends were full of hookah clouds, mind bending pipes, and ice cold liquids that made you feel good. Whether I was hanging out with just my roommate or the whole crowd, it was fun and full of energy! There were always people laughing, going crazy and just enjoying the wild night. I remember crazy nights like when we lit fireworks in the driveway, the night the power went out and spent the night playing with glow sticks and getting drunk, the night me and GREY decided to start “Sprinkler Wrestling” or even the night we went for a drunk walk and Bobbo decided to walk up and pee on someone’s front door…NEVER a BORING MOMENT. Everything was full of excitement and fun and no worries. We never thought about growing up, about what life really meant, or how we’d fit into each other’s futures.

Now I spend most of my nights begging my little man to let me sleep. He’s doing all the partying for me ha ha ha. My walks consist of picking him up and walking 3.5 miles to get home every afternoon. I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and think “Man a walk sounds so good right now!” Especially when I get a whiff of that cold, fresh air! But then I just fall back to sleep. Now I spend all my nights with my little man and get to enjoy friends on the weekends or for random dinners. My weekends are full of beach fun, pool parties, bbq’s, parks, zoos, boat trips, and so much more…But I am even busier now, then I ever was before. I get to spend nights watching movies and cartoons with him, laughing over the silliest of things, running around the house yelling like a mad person and using my fingers like guns as Nikko makes a wounded noise and falls to the floor. I watch him flirt with girls; like the time he was jumping around dancing and tried to look cool by jumping into a puddle, but instead he slipped and fell flat into the puddle ha ha ha I get to buy silly toys, play silly games, jump on the bed, and just have FUN! I get to watch in amazement as he grows and starts jumping off of diving boards, how he runs into the waves at the beach, how he builds these insanely characteristic expressions and randomly says new words. I have someone to always keep me company and make me laugh but most importantly of all, I have someone who will LOVE me forever and always. He has his silly faces, loving glances, caring touches, and heart felt “I love you mommy-ya”…I have all I could ever need in him. He makes me drunk with laughter and high as a kite with love. Who needs drunken nights when I have all that!

Venting about lifes headaches

This one is going to be personal. So if you don’t wanna read mushy, angry, frustrated girl crap….close the blog and surf the web.

Lately I’ve been going through a lot with family and my hubby. I don’t know if it’s the stress I get from all the bullshit my family gives me or if it’s merely that I don’t feel like the hubby is being there for me like I need him to.

It seems to me, the more time passes, the more I feel like he’s settling into a routine that doesn’t involve me. What makes things worse is that he doesn’t talk to me about things. He can be hurting inside and instead of talking to me he shuts down and zones out on his games. His solution is to avoid reality and just think that the bad is going to go away on its own….well it hasn’t worked out so far! It’s been 7 years since we first started dating and I still feel like his girlfriend sometimes. Like no matter what I do, he won’t let me into his little world.

I’ve been arguing about him helping me around the house or doing this and that. To him it’s like all I do is complain so he just wants to go out and of course ignore me. He doesn’t understand that ignoring me is really just pissing me off twice as much. End result = I do it all by myself, I end up pissed, and I get to have no fun. To him it’s like “I did really good 2 days out of the week, isn’t that enough?” REALLY! So am I supposed to give him a freaking gold star because he managed to wash his dishes on the same day rather than wait until 2 days later to do them? I hate being his mother, I hate having to tell him to clean up his dishes or do his laundry because it’s spilling out onto the floor, or to even pick up the 4 pairs of pants he has laying around the room…why can’t he be a grown up?

Then there is the stress from family. It seems just as I am beginning to get along with one sister, she decides to “talk” about me not visiting the viejos or talking to my other family brothers/sisters. Why does everyone have to question and guilt me into pretending that everything is ok? Why does the responsibility always have to fall on me? I make a simple comment about how thing are and everyone is on me about how the vieja is depressed that I don’t visit and how she keeps asking if I hate her and why she can’t see her grandson…why am I always the bad guy? I didn’t decide to let someone hurt my daughter, I didn’t decide to choose some asswhole over my own flesh and blood. I would love for Nikko to know his grandparents and play with them and be able to trust that he’s safe there…but I can’t. They chose to ignore my pain and now I choose to ignore them.

Then there is the twin, the one person I used to feel the most connected with. Things with her have never been the same since I started rebelling against the family. She's always been the sun and I am always the moon. She tries to make everything seem happy and awesome while I call it reality and cuss it out for pissing me off. In some ways she's the only one I can talk to sometimes but in others I feel like I can't. We share so much in pain, anger and disappointment but while she calls it a juicy orange, I call it a rotten apple.

Lastly there are the friends or shall I say, the lack of them. Seems as I grew up and started a new life I weaved them into the chapters of my life while they ripped the page out and continued with their story. I never thought I'd be in this place...well more like I hoped I'd never find myself here.

It seems like no matter who I talk about, everyone is always looking out for themselves. Nobody wants to give me leverage or compromise with me. All anyone wants to do is worry about their own comforts…

Friendships...

 I know we all grow at different paces...some of us sprint, some run full speed, and some just walk and enjoy the time. We all turn different corners down the path of life but in reality what makes us change so much that we lose friends and loved ones?

I know I've gained some friends and lost some friends and that is just the way life goes but when I really stop to think about it, I just don't understand why? Why is it that for years I can be great friends with someone? How can I talk with them every day, hang out every week and share life's important moments with someone and then in a blink of an eye that friend I had for years is just...GONE! I know the time went slow and they slowly disappeared into the dark but now it seems like it took mere seconds. Did I walk slower? Did they run faster? What happened that we no longer found a place in each others lives?

It makes me really sad to think back on all the friends I've lost, no matter what the reason. They take a part of me with them. The laughter I shared, the tears I cried, all the memories we created...left with them. That piece of me that was understood so well by that one person has to be silenced because no other person can ever understand it quite like they did.

Everyone always says we treat all friends the same and we love everyone but I can be honest and say I don't. There are some friends I can cry with, friends that will keep me laughing for days, friends that will rescue me when I call, friends who are only good for getting drunk etc... every person is unique and brings out that unique trait in you. When they leave that characteristic in you leaves too and a part of who you were is no longer there.

I only hope I find another friend to help me grow that piece I lost.....

Missing knight in shining armor...

Why is it that people don't stop to help each other when in trouble? What happened to all the heroes & Knights in shining armor?

The other night I was walking around the neighborhood with the hubby. It's late at night, probably around 10pm or so. I heard a man yelling but paid no attention and then the hubby says "oh my gosh look it! That guy is totally pushing that girl around!" So I look and sure enough across the street I see a guy yelling angrily and shoving her around. I heard the girl yell and it looked like she was crying. They were walking through an empty parking lot, towards a car. The man continued yelling, I got scared so I told the hubby we should call the cops. He replied, "For what, by the time they come the couple will be gone." I continued to argue on calling the police and he kept arguing against it but I didn't feel comfortable just standing by. I started explaining that something serious could happen to her & what if he really HURT her?

So the question is...what would you do? When you see someone being abusive to another person or being aggressive, do you act on it? Do you step in to help or call the police...something! Or do you simply duck your head and continue on with your day?

A women is getting pushed around and instead of calling the cops you duck ur head and keep walking away. If that girl ends up dead or seriously hurt wouldn't you feel guilty?

I may be going to extremes here, I can see his side of thought. We are across the street so we can't see things clearly, he hasn't hit her, she's the idiot sticking around with the abusive guy, the cops take forever to arrive to a scene when you need them, and it's not like we can see the license plates to have the cops follow the car. But I just can't help but go into panic mode.

Maybe I've been working with domestic violence vicitims for too many years, maybe as a girl I just want to look out for my fellow ladies, maybe...I dunno but the thought of somebody getting hurt and me not doing anything about it just kills me. I've had some of our clients go missing and we find weeks later that the guy found them and took them out of the U.S. I've had men try to beat down our doors to get to their wives that are in counseling sessions, I've seen women cry and pour their hearts out & not have a clue as to how to make things stop or not know where to go. It's horrible to see a woman shrink herself into an insignificant object and still try to put on a brave face for her kids.

Another example: A couple months ago I heard shouting in the apartment in front of us. The 17 year old boy and his girlfriend had just come home from the hospital with their new baby about 2 weeks ago. I heard the 17 year old yelling at the girl saying how she ruined his life and I heard her screaming for help. Then I hear dad yelling at the son to get off her and then there's a bunch of pounding and screaming. Now I see 4 people come out of their apartments to see what's going on...I heard nobody say a word about calling the police. So I automatically think "there's a newborn in the home, the guy is going crazy, the girl is yelling for help...time to call the cops" So I did. I called, gave them the information to the apartments, explained the situation and gave my information in case they needed to talk to me when they got here. Well cops arrived while the boy is still yelling and they charged in & I saw them take him out of the house handcuffed.

Now some people told me I should have just left it alone, if dad was there to handle it but that just was not an option for me. There is a newborn baby that could get hurt, obviously dad couldn't handle him because the girl would start yelling for help from time to time, and the yelling and pounding went on for a good 15 minutes before the cops got there and stopped it. You can NEVER be too safe! How people can come to "watch the show" but not want to get involved enough to make a call to the police is BEYOND my understanding.

All I know is if I hear/see someone in danger, you best believe I will stand in or call the police...I do what I can to help others, even when they aren't brave enough to ask for the help.

Mending my Broken Home with Love of a New Family

The hubby & I have always had trouble agreeing on how to spend our free time. While I like to keep busy doing things like cleaning, going for walks, going to the stores, the beach, the park etc… He’s always been more of a relaxed kind of person. He enjoys lounging at home, playing video games, watching movies/T.V., catching up on sleep, so most of the time, that’s what we do.

Sometimes I get very frustrated, angry, depressed etc… from being indoors for too long. If I am home for more than a couple hours I NEED to leave for a walk or something, just need to get out for a couple minutes at least. I don’t think he’s ever really understood my need for being out of the house. He’s always told me that he grew up sheltered and couldn’t go out much unless it was with his parents. I on the other hand left the house every chance I got…whether my parents knew or not.

As I broke down crying about how I was feeling really depressed and couldn’t stand being home I heard myself rambling on and on. As I heard myself saying these things I thought, “What a fucken crackhead! He must be SO in love with me to put up with my Psycho-Babble!” It amazes me sometimes how I can think clearly through an emotion and yet, I can’t stop the emotion from taking over. I can sit there and say “I know I am being overly-dramatic and am being stupid about something so insignificant…” but it’s how I am feeling at that moment and I just need to ride the emotion out. Sometimes I’ll just tell the hubby, “I’m being super emotional so watch out, I suggest you be super nice and just smile at everything I say” ha ha ha or sometimes I will tell him to just steer clear cus I’m in a mood. It helps prevent arguments until I can get rid of the “shitty emotional Jacky” and move on to “happy reasonable Jacky”.

So Saturday I had a fight with the hubby, I broke down and cried my ass off. As he sat there trying to console me and we talked it out, I came upon a…REVELATION. I’ve never been able to explain why I don’t like to sit at home or why I love being out SO much! I think it’s because I myself never really understood why I felt the way I do. I always made the excuse that I want Nikko to have fun and experience all these things. But I came to the realization Saturday that I hate being home because to me a home is full of pain and anger.

Growing up in my house was fun…sometimes. But truthfully we don’t remember the happy times as much as the painful ones. The pain, depression, anger and hatred that I developed while living at home will always be in the back of my head. I like to wander because it’s an escape from the pain that dwells at home when I was growing up. For me a home always brought pain and anger…so I never liked being home. Even now as I’ve grown up and have my own place. I can only tolerate being home for so long. I get angry and depressed if I’m indoors for too long. I just associate my place with all the problems in my life. While I am out it’s like I’ve left all of the problems and madness at home. It’s like reality hits me when I open the door to walk into my place.

I can say 75% of the time things are good! I’m chasing Nikko up and down the stairs, playing water fights in the bathtub, or jumping on the beds with him…SHHHH Dad doesn’t know about that ha ha ha. I am playing a video game with papa, getting frisky, or just taking a moment to relax with him & watch a movie …but there will always be that 25% that hits me on a random day. It’s so sad that I can’t be happy 24/7 in the home I’ve created for my family. I guess it’s just one of the maddening thoughts I need to continue to work through in order to be sane again.

What happened to people being nice....

I think it's sooo weird how in Mexico EVERYONE smiles and says hello to you. It doesn't matter the age difference, style, whether they know you or not....everyone is so nice! Well most of the time.

What is it about Americans that we are soooo SOUR! I decided to attempt to be nicer...I know! For those of you that REALLY know me I can be a pain in the butt! I don't really smile at people unless I really like you, I don't hug anyone...not even my best friends. Anyway so I am trying to be more positive and friendly. So I smile at everyone I see and say hello to everyone I pass by. But most people just make a face like "Why are you talking to me?" or they just smile and keep walking. So why is it that people can't just be friendly to each other. What stops us from saying hello and having random conversations with people?

EXAMPLE : The other day I was walking with Nikko and this girl about my same age was walking and texting on her phone. We were walking towards eachother and as we were a couple steps away she looks up so we made eye contact...I smiled and said hello and she raised an eyebrow like "WTF?" laughed and started back up on her phone...

So why not say hi back? Not like I'm gonna stop you and start talking or following you...

Also what is up with people not taking a simple gift? I understand there are a lot of freaks out there and people should be careful when taking things from others but I mean sometimes people are just trying to be nice AKA me!

EXAMPLE: About 2 weeks ago I was waiting at the bus stop with Nikko. I got there and sat him down, pulled out some apple slices for his snack and sat there to wait for the bus with him. I see some lady coming, while she's digging through her wallet. So she stops and I see she's trying to round up enough change for the bus ride. Then she asks me if I had change for a $5 to take the bus. I didn't so I said no and then told her I just had a day pass. Then I remembered I had bought a pack of 4 day passes so I had extras. So I offered her a bus pass and she said she didn't want it. I told her she didn't have to pay me for it that I had more and she just started ignoring me.

another example: I was getting off the bus with Nikko one day and stopped at the grocery store. So then I had to walk 2 blocks to get home and as I passed the bus stop I saw a lady sitting there with her baby trying to dig through her wallet and count her change. So I was going home, had already used my day pass, had no other use for it and though I should give it to the lady since I'm sure she's waiting for the bus. So I walked up to her and asked if she wanted a bus pass. She looked at me and smiled but then said "No estoy bien, Gracias" So I explained that I had already paid for it but no longer needed it cus I was about to get home. I told her I didn't want the pass to go to waste and it was good for the rest of the day if she needed it. So with a little effort she finally took it...

So what makes people sooo skeptical and worried about little things like saying hello or taking something as simple as a day pass?

The Vieja and me.....

So the Vieja, as I call my mother, got really sick yesterday. I was an hour into work and all of a sudden I get a call from my twin crying. The Vieja was taken to the ER and then admitted to the hospital for overnight stay. As soon as she said it, I felt my heart pumping faster, my body went cold and I couldn't think...I just wanted to hit pause and wait for my mind & body to catch up to reality. I spent the next couple hours feeling like I was on an adrenaline rush! I couldn't stop twitching my feet, I felt like I was in a rush to do everything, my voice was shaky, I felt fine then all of a sudden I'd start to cry....

When I finally decided to leave work early and go see her I was surprisingly calm. Like the thought alone of seeing her had fixed everything. On the way to the hospital I found myself wishing I had just stayed at work. I walked into the hospital with my sister and she automatically walked up to the Vieja to hug her and give her a kiss but I just walked in, sat down and said hello. The Vieja smiled and said hello. I could tell she was trying to act like everything was fine....like she was just getting her hair done or something! ha ha ha

It's weird to think though...my initial reaction towards the Vieja is always to stand away, just say hello and don't get close. But all my other sisters and brothers are huggin and kissing and chatting it up with her. Not that I am not a hugger or kisser, I do hug and kiss but it's not something that's natural to me.So I just sat to the side and found myself paying more attention to the television than to the Vieja. I hardly talked or joined the conversation, just sat there and listened. The only time I talked was when we started popping jokes. The Vieja always gets these younger, hotty, male nurses! ha ha ha We always ask her if she got a hot guy nurse and she blushes and then says "Oh yeah! I got all embarrassed when he was looking at all the goods!" The Vieja can be fun when she wants to. But she went on talking about the male nurse and how hunky he was and "oh but don't tell your father" ha ha ha As if we would.

As we left the hospital a couple hours later I started thinking about the visit. As much as I try to just talk randomly about whatever with the Vieja, the only thing I can do is joke with her. It made me realize something....

I feel awkward talking to my mom. I feel so distant from her that I don't know how to carry a conversation anymore...I can't sit with her by myself because then I just feel awkward. Like I'm meeting a stranger for the first time or something. IT'S WEIRD!

I've distanced myself from my family so much because of the hurtful things I had to grow up with and feeling like I had no support from them. I just didn't see a point in socializing with them. So I hardly ever talk to anyone, hang out with them or even bother to send a text saying "hey". I stopped calling my parents "Mom" and "Dad" and just started calling them "Viejo" and "Vieja". One day I was arguing with them over some childhood stuff and when I left I angrily just called him Viejo instead of Dad. He of course of got mad and said "Huh who you calling old! You'll be my age one day watch!" Ever since then that's what I call them. In all honesty I feel like I lost my mom and dad a long time ago...I don't feel like my parents deserve to be called mom and dad because to me, they haven't been a mom and dad. Yes they've raised me, clothed me, fed me and all. But any random person can do that. To me a mother and father care for their children, watch over them, protect them, feel for them, are there to wipe the tears away, to make their lives happier....that's something I think they failed in doing. 

As the night went on I heard my twin discussing who would stay with the Vieja during the day at the hospital and who would switch off in the evening....she got upset because my other sister backed out from going during the day as planned and she couldn't take the day off from work to go. I knew I could stay out of work to go but I told her in all honesty....I didn't want to. As much as I care for the Vieja and worry about her health, the thought of having to spend hours alone with her....it just was not going to go well. I can't talk to her, don't much get along with her...a visit is one thing but to stay with her is totally undo-able for me!

Is it wrong that I think this way of the person who gave birth to me???