Mending my Broken Home with Love of a New Family

The hubby & I have always had trouble agreeing on how to spend our free time. While I like to keep busy doing things like cleaning, going for walks, going to the stores, the beach, the park etc… He’s always been more of a relaxed kind of person. He enjoys lounging at home, playing video games, watching movies/T.V., catching up on sleep, so most of the time, that’s what we do.

Sometimes I get very frustrated, angry, depressed etc… from being indoors for too long. If I am home for more than a couple hours I NEED to leave for a walk or something, just need to get out for a couple minutes at least. I don’t think he’s ever really understood my need for being out of the house. He’s always told me that he grew up sheltered and couldn’t go out much unless it was with his parents. I on the other hand left the house every chance I got…whether my parents knew or not.

As I broke down crying about how I was feeling really depressed and couldn’t stand being home I heard myself rambling on and on. As I heard myself saying these things I thought, “What a fucken crackhead! He must be SO in love with me to put up with my Psycho-Babble!” It amazes me sometimes how I can think clearly through an emotion and yet, I can’t stop the emotion from taking over. I can sit there and say “I know I am being overly-dramatic and am being stupid about something so insignificant…” but it’s how I am feeling at that moment and I just need to ride the emotion out. Sometimes I’ll just tell the hubby, “I’m being super emotional so watch out, I suggest you be super nice and just smile at everything I say” ha ha ha or sometimes I will tell him to just steer clear cus I’m in a mood. It helps prevent arguments until I can get rid of the “shitty emotional Jacky” and move on to “happy reasonable Jacky”.

So Saturday I had a fight with the hubby, I broke down and cried my ass off. As he sat there trying to console me and we talked it out, I came upon a…REVELATION. I’ve never been able to explain why I don’t like to sit at home or why I love being out SO much! I think it’s because I myself never really understood why I felt the way I do. I always made the excuse that I want Nikko to have fun and experience all these things. But I came to the realization Saturday that I hate being home because to me a home is full of pain and anger.

Growing up in my house was fun…sometimes. But truthfully we don’t remember the happy times as much as the painful ones. The pain, depression, anger and hatred that I developed while living at home will always be in the back of my head. I like to wander because it’s an escape from the pain that dwells at home when I was growing up. For me a home always brought pain and anger…so I never liked being home. Even now as I’ve grown up and have my own place. I can only tolerate being home for so long. I get angry and depressed if I’m indoors for too long. I just associate my place with all the problems in my life. While I am out it’s like I’ve left all of the problems and madness at home. It’s like reality hits me when I open the door to walk into my place.

I can say 75% of the time things are good! I’m chasing Nikko up and down the stairs, playing water fights in the bathtub, or jumping on the beds with him…SHHHH Dad doesn’t know about that ha ha ha. I am playing a video game with papa, getting frisky, or just taking a moment to relax with him & watch a movie …but there will always be that 25% that hits me on a random day. It’s so sad that I can’t be happy 24/7 in the home I’ve created for my family. I guess it’s just one of the maddening thoughts I need to continue to work through in order to be sane again.

What happened to people being nice....

I think it's sooo weird how in Mexico EVERYONE smiles and says hello to you. It doesn't matter the age difference, style, whether they know you or not....everyone is so nice! Well most of the time.

What is it about Americans that we are soooo SOUR! I decided to attempt to be nicer...I know! For those of you that REALLY know me I can be a pain in the butt! I don't really smile at people unless I really like you, I don't hug anyone...not even my best friends. Anyway so I am trying to be more positive and friendly. So I smile at everyone I see and say hello to everyone I pass by. But most people just make a face like "Why are you talking to me?" or they just smile and keep walking. So why is it that people can't just be friendly to each other. What stops us from saying hello and having random conversations with people?

EXAMPLE : The other day I was walking with Nikko and this girl about my same age was walking and texting on her phone. We were walking towards eachother and as we were a couple steps away she looks up so we made eye contact...I smiled and said hello and she raised an eyebrow like "WTF?" laughed and started back up on her phone...

So why not say hi back? Not like I'm gonna stop you and start talking or following you...

Also what is up with people not taking a simple gift? I understand there are a lot of freaks out there and people should be careful when taking things from others but I mean sometimes people are just trying to be nice AKA me!

EXAMPLE: About 2 weeks ago I was waiting at the bus stop with Nikko. I got there and sat him down, pulled out some apple slices for his snack and sat there to wait for the bus with him. I see some lady coming, while she's digging through her wallet. So she stops and I see she's trying to round up enough change for the bus ride. Then she asks me if I had change for a $5 to take the bus. I didn't so I said no and then told her I just had a day pass. Then I remembered I had bought a pack of 4 day passes so I had extras. So I offered her a bus pass and she said she didn't want it. I told her she didn't have to pay me for it that I had more and she just started ignoring me.

another example: I was getting off the bus with Nikko one day and stopped at the grocery store. So then I had to walk 2 blocks to get home and as I passed the bus stop I saw a lady sitting there with her baby trying to dig through her wallet and count her change. So I was going home, had already used my day pass, had no other use for it and though I should give it to the lady since I'm sure she's waiting for the bus. So I walked up to her and asked if she wanted a bus pass. She looked at me and smiled but then said "No estoy bien, Gracias" So I explained that I had already paid for it but no longer needed it cus I was about to get home. I told her I didn't want the pass to go to waste and it was good for the rest of the day if she needed it. So with a little effort she finally took it...

So what makes people sooo skeptical and worried about little things like saying hello or taking something as simple as a day pass?

The Vieja and me.....

So the Vieja, as I call my mother, got really sick yesterday. I was an hour into work and all of a sudden I get a call from my twin crying. The Vieja was taken to the ER and then admitted to the hospital for overnight stay. As soon as she said it, I felt my heart pumping faster, my body went cold and I couldn't think...I just wanted to hit pause and wait for my mind & body to catch up to reality. I spent the next couple hours feeling like I was on an adrenaline rush! I couldn't stop twitching my feet, I felt like I was in a rush to do everything, my voice was shaky, I felt fine then all of a sudden I'd start to cry....

When I finally decided to leave work early and go see her I was surprisingly calm. Like the thought alone of seeing her had fixed everything. On the way to the hospital I found myself wishing I had just stayed at work. I walked into the hospital with my sister and she automatically walked up to the Vieja to hug her and give her a kiss but I just walked in, sat down and said hello. The Vieja smiled and said hello. I could tell she was trying to act like everything was fine....like she was just getting her hair done or something! ha ha ha

It's weird to think though...my initial reaction towards the Vieja is always to stand away, just say hello and don't get close. But all my other sisters and brothers are huggin and kissing and chatting it up with her. Not that I am not a hugger or kisser, I do hug and kiss but it's not something that's natural to me.So I just sat to the side and found myself paying more attention to the television than to the Vieja. I hardly talked or joined the conversation, just sat there and listened. The only time I talked was when we started popping jokes. The Vieja always gets these younger, hotty, male nurses! ha ha ha We always ask her if she got a hot guy nurse and she blushes and then says "Oh yeah! I got all embarrassed when he was looking at all the goods!" The Vieja can be fun when she wants to. But she went on talking about the male nurse and how hunky he was and "oh but don't tell your father" ha ha ha As if we would.

As we left the hospital a couple hours later I started thinking about the visit. As much as I try to just talk randomly about whatever with the Vieja, the only thing I can do is joke with her. It made me realize something....

I feel awkward talking to my mom. I feel so distant from her that I don't know how to carry a conversation anymore...I can't sit with her by myself because then I just feel awkward. Like I'm meeting a stranger for the first time or something. IT'S WEIRD!

I've distanced myself from my family so much because of the hurtful things I had to grow up with and feeling like I had no support from them. I just didn't see a point in socializing with them. So I hardly ever talk to anyone, hang out with them or even bother to send a text saying "hey". I stopped calling my parents "Mom" and "Dad" and just started calling them "Viejo" and "Vieja". One day I was arguing with them over some childhood stuff and when I left I angrily just called him Viejo instead of Dad. He of course of got mad and said "Huh who you calling old! You'll be my age one day watch!" Ever since then that's what I call them. In all honesty I feel like I lost my mom and dad a long time ago...I don't feel like my parents deserve to be called mom and dad because to me, they haven't been a mom and dad. Yes they've raised me, clothed me, fed me and all. But any random person can do that. To me a mother and father care for their children, watch over them, protect them, feel for them, are there to wipe the tears away, to make their lives happier....that's something I think they failed in doing. 

As the night went on I heard my twin discussing who would stay with the Vieja during the day at the hospital and who would switch off in the evening....she got upset because my other sister backed out from going during the day as planned and she couldn't take the day off from work to go. I knew I could stay out of work to go but I told her in all honesty....I didn't want to. As much as I care for the Vieja and worry about her health, the thought of having to spend hours alone with her....it just was not going to go well. I can't talk to her, don't much get along with her...a visit is one thing but to stay with her is totally undo-able for me!

Is it wrong that I think this way of the person who gave birth to me???

 

 

 

The good and the bad in my life….

Good:
-I have my own place and I have been able to take care of myself without needing anyone so far
-My job makes me humble and appreciate so much
-I don’t need a nice car, big house, or 50 dollar jeans to be happy
-I am adventurous, love to laugh and just want to have fun
-I care more about the adventures I have rather than the way I look as I am doing it
-I don’t find it necessary to have a cell phone at all times
-Myspace/Facebook is not where I live
-I don’t need alcohol or drugs to have fun
-I talk to any random person that says hello
-I don’t like to lie or bullshit so I am honest 24/7
-I have this amazing baby who makes me feel so happy
-I married the love of my life
-I have someone who makes me laugh a lot
-I have a son who makes me stronger everyday
-I have this unrelenting will that helps me survive any problem that gets in my way

Bad:
-My pride gets the best of me sometimes, I’m so stuck on being independent that I push people away.
-I have no interest in starting a career
-I am shit scared of learning how to drive
-I tend to be very loud and outspoken which scares a lot of people away
-I can’t help but spend money on others…even when I really need something for myself
-I don’t remember most of my childhood, although most of the time I am glad I don’t
-Sometimes I let my anger and frustration get the best of me
-I will always secretly HATE my parents and can’t possibly try to understand them
-I am in love with a total slob who has no romantic sense
-I attract a lot of perverts and crazies because I feel the need to answer a hello
-I don’t like to fake smiles or laughter & so people get uncomfortable around me
-I don’t make time to do the things that used to make me REALLY happy
-I fear that I am a bad mom :(
-I often wish my lover was someone else, someone romantic, some one more adventurous etc…
-I miss the simplicities of life….a walk in the rain, watching the clouds go by, taking a hike etc…

Trust & Love & Happiness...

So today's topic is trusting your partner.

Example: The lover randomly told me that an old "girl" friend, notice the separation of words, asked to take him out for dinner since his birthday had just passed. He didn't invite me to go, didn't say what time he'd be back or anything else really. So I automatically said "ok, have fun". Now I don't know this friend of his, I've met her once for all of about 15 minutes and she was cute, shy and I could tell her and the lover had a lot in common. It was nice to see him reconnect with someone, didn't matter that it was a girl.

My sister's reaction was to come home, ask where he was and then unload the million questions she had running through her head. Where did they go? What time is he coming back? Did he go with just her or were more people going? Why didn't he invite you? etc...

My reaction to all this was to laugh. I didn't care who he was with or what time he'd be home. I only hoped he was having a blast with whoever was there.

He came home around midnight with his friend behind him. They had definitely been drinking, they walked in, said hello and started drinking again while they chatted. I said hello, then after about 20 minutes said good night and went to bed....leaving them downstairs, drinking, by themselves.

Now I understand that most girls would be, waiting up for their guy and if he came home with the "girl" friend they'd throw a major hissy fit and chew their man's head off the next day about it. I don't get that. I asked him the next day if he had fun and listened to his little story about how the night went and then moved on with my day.

Now I have people ask me all the time about my relationship with my hubby.
They will tell me they don't understand how I can let him go out and not ask where he's going or when he's coming home or who he's going with....
Well I don't understand why people are soo hung  up on knowing every single little detail.

I find it ridiculous that girls get that way. If a guy wants to cheat he will do it whether you ask him a million questions or not. I have trust that my hubby loves me, wants to be with me and has no need to be with someone else. I can't say I am not jealous and that I never worry about the hubby finding some hotter, funner, skinnier, more sexually pleasing chick....but me nagging him about it is sure as hell not gonna help the situation. All your going to do is frustrate your partner by asking a million questions and then hurt their feelings by showing you don't trust them

I TRUST entirely in my hubby to love me and be with only me. I can sit there and check out chicks with him...tell him "oh my gosh look at that girls boobs!!! DAMN they look good!" ha ha ha ha Flirting is ok as long as it's just that...flirting. If the day comes that he feels he needs more attention from someone else then we'll talk about it and figure out what to do with our relationship. I am not insecure in my relationship. I feel truly LOVED by my hunkalicious papabear and I believe he has no interest in anyone but me.

Lonely Mama

It seems like when I first got pregnant everything was so exciting! My friends were all excited and were looking forward to the new baby! We thought about a bigger place with a new baby, new experiences, and more fun memories to make!

All except one friend...my roommate stopped talking to me and when I confronted her about her attitude she told me things were going to change. She said one by one all my friends would disappear because I wouldn't have time for them.

I hated her for saying that and always thought, "there is no way that will happen" but now I find myself 3 years later sitting at home watching the lover hang out with his buddies and none of my friends are around. Sure enough one by one they started to disappear. Not to my fault though. I did hangouts every other week to keep things evened out. They'd come over and drink, smoke, party it up and just have fun and then other weekends we'd chill with my son at the park or beach or whatever....but they just stopped coming around. It seems my roommates cursed me or something.

I try doing bbq's or drink nites but they are all too busy. Whatever happened to friendship. Does growing up have to mean losing friends? It seems this happens to everyone! My coworker lost all her friends once she has her daughter as well. I mean what is that about? Doesn't friendship mean anything anymore? Can't people still have relationships?

I miss having friends to talk to in the middle of the night. Someone to have some drinks with, go to a movie, run to when things are going bad with the lover....just having someone there! So what happened? What changed? Why can't friends be forever????

Fat girls and Fashion...

Todays topic of discussion…FAT GIRLS.

If your sensitive about your weight I suggest you not read this cus I’ll be making a lot of jokes and mean comments.

Now first of all I’m a fatty girl…I wear XL clothing, I got an ass as wide as a mountain, and I got a belly that looks like I swallowed an entire watermelon ha ha ha. I don’t mind my weight though, I am beautiful in my own way and I have no problem saying I am overweight. It’s not a concern for me…

Now that doesn’t mean I eat sweets all day or drink nothing but soda. In all honesty I had about half a soda yesterday and before that I hadn’t had soda in over 2 weeks. My friends are always looking at me weird because I dilute my juices…1/3 juice and 2/3 water mmmm, just sweet enough! I am not a big sweets girl either. I have jars of candy in my house that is leftover from Halloween! I’ve never been huge on all the sugar stuff. I’m a huge salad freak mmmm and veggies! I eat tomatoes whole! Bite into them like apples! Sooo yummmyy!!! My dad would raise us to eat everything with chili and lemon. If we didn’t like a certain vegetable, then he’d slice it up throw some chili powder and sprinkle a lemon over it and mmmmmm we’d inhale it all! So I grew to LOVE veggies and fruit. I also love to run around. I walk home from work about 4 miles on most days and like running around with my lil boy. I’ve never been a home body, I like to be outside, in the fresh air with nature and all its beauty.

OK now that you know a little about me…so you don’t think I’m some skinny bitch talking shit about fatty girls….here comes the real topic of today’s blog.

What is up with all the fatties walking around in clothes that don’t fit them? I mean seriously!?!? I feel like walking up to them and asking them if they know that they make clothing in bigger sizes. I mean do you not know there’s a bigger size that will actually FIT you? I see these big girls walking around in pants that have their stomachs hanging out of them…obviously if your stomach doesn’t fit in your pants, you need a bigger size. Also! Buy a shirt that actually fits over your stomach. I saw a girl yesterday at the market that kept tugging at her shirt, but no matter how much she would keep tugging down that shirt NEVER reached over her stomach…HELLO!!! It means the shirt doesn’t fit you. These people give fatties a bad rep. They make us look like gross, disgusting, slobs. I mean just because your fat doesn’t mean you gotta dress nasty. I understand that in today’s fashion clothes keeps getting smaller and more revealing but as a fat girl you gotta know you’re basics for fashion.

My Top 5  Fatty Fashion Rules!

Rule #1: Layer it! If you’ve got a stomach make sure you’re wearing something to tuck that gut in. Wear a tight shirt that reaches at least 4 inches past that gut and then a cute looser shirt on top. Nobody needs to see the lard peeking out from under your shirt. It’s oober important to tuck the fat in and make your self look slimmer.

Rule #2 NEVER EVER wear tight clothing…I don’t care how good you think you look, you do not need to accentuate the lard that’s hanging off of you.

Rule #3 If you’re pants don’t fit over your tummy then they are too small. Oh and please don’t wear pants that barely cover your ass…nobody needs to see your ass smiling at them as you walk away.

Rule #4 Don’t think because you saw some skinny girl look cute in something, that means you will look cute wearing it too! I hate seeing fatties walk around in tights with a shirt…..NOOO!!! Seriously just don’t.

Rule #5 Mini dresses are for mini girls…Don’t wear a skirt or dress that barely covers your ass. I don’t care how big your self esteem is, you don’t look good!

Rule #6 Don’t wear really thin heels. Chances are people are watching you and betting on when the heel is going to snap and cause you to fall on your ass.

Rule #7 No thongs, g-strings or bikini underwear. Treat your ass like you do your boobs. Wear something that’s going to support all the lard hanging off of you. Nobody wants to see saggy tits or a saggy ass…plump it up!

Rule #8 No see through clothing. Just think to  yourself “would I look good walking around naked?” chances are you are going to say no!

Rule #9 No bikinis. Wear a nice bathing suit. Bathing suits are great to lift and tuck in any fatty areas, so they can slim you down and make you FABULOUS! Bikinis on the other hand chop your body up, show off the fatty areas and are not very slimming at all.

Rule #10 Don’t over do it on the ruffles, feathers or anything else that can make you look puffier. You don’t want to wear things that will make you look bigger than what you are.

Now in no way am I a fashion guru or specialist....these are my opinions. If you don't like it, don't read it....problem solved.