Simplicity of love...

We all have those moments in a relationship where we feel insecure, whether it's with a partner, a friend, a family member...any loved one. We are afraid to show our inner selves, always trying to show this "upgrade" of ourselves that we want to be, that we think is worthy of the love of others. Like I hear many people say, "you fake it, til you make it!"

Over years we discover the imperfections in others and allow some of our own imperfections to come through. We realize that nobody is perfect and so we allow ourselves to breathe and release some of that imperfection to see the light. Allowing ourselves comfort in the trust and love we build with other people....but we still overanalyze, pick at every detail, create stories of what others are thinking, imagine alternate endings to moments that have passed us by or moments yet to come. All this time trying to project ourselves as this "upgraded me" that people will want to be around and safe-gaurding ourselves from the pain of being lost or let go. We try to second guess others in order to be the one to walk away first. We put up this wall we call "protection" but others see it as "dishonesty". This wall doesn't protect us, it keeps us caged, unfree to join hands and express the love we so long to give and receive from another human being.

Will we ever realize our TRUE potential and stop complicating the simplicity of love?

 

                                      * inspired by Christina Perri's "Arms"

Sincerity and Reality

I've been through a lot in my life-time and have come to realize that every person I have met is walking through life interested in one thing....THEMSELVES.

I have come to question the sincerity of people and the love that is shown. It seems every person I meet no matter the length of time, the relationship, sex, race, age etc...they all end up thinking of life as a race. A race to have the most fun, a race to own the most crap, a race to make their own lives easier and more pleasurable. Very rarely do I meet people who truly give of themselves and reach out to an injured soul with no other thought but to heal.

I have been through a lot with family and although I have cut myself out of the picture that once held us all together in laughter, I am never able to cut out the hatred, resentment, jealousy, and pain that is still with me. The best I can do is try to move forward with life.

I have tried to understand it, tried to reason it, tried to forget it, tried to forgive it but it lingers in the back of my mind, waiting for a moment, a single memory that brings it all back.

But I won't give up. I no longer sit in the darkness of the shadows that people once cast around me but instead I walk freely in the sun and choose to enjoy every moment I have with my husband and son. The sincerity of people is still questionable to me but at least now I know to trust in myself and what I know to be true. I take the day as it comes and give of myself only when it will not hurt me in return but I will always hold myself at a distance...waiting to test the sincerity of the next person that comes along.

There is this episode of “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” that has always stuck with me because of this scene where a girl takes off all these fake items and Will Smith is just disgusted by it. It makes you think how women are just fake and phony.

                                         

It is amazing how going to the drug store and buying a few things, you can change who you are into a totally different person! You can change your hair color, add hair extensions to give it a different look, cover your face with the various make-up products there are, add fake eyelashes, change your eye color with contacts, push up bras to make you look “plumper”, stick on finger nails etc…

Why is it women are so obsessed with looking like Barbie dolls? Whatever happened to natural beauty? Doesn’t anyone want to look like themselves anymore? Everyone is too busy chasing after this fake image of beauty, nobody realizes that no person REALLY looks like that...

Don't get me wrong, I can't live without my eyeliner! It's the one thing I wear on a daily basis but I still keep it simple. I don't overdue my face with make-up or wear fake hair, nails, contacts etc... I understand sometimes it's fun to dress up and look different but not on a daily basis. I'd rather just look like plain old me.

Appreciate the little things in life...

We as human beings easily get side tracked by pretty shiny things. We want to live the best life possible. We want the coolest car, the nicest house, the 2 bedroom closet that looks like you have a store in your house, the mounds of money to go on trips and buy whatever the hell we want etc...

But how often do we stop and think, "I am so lucky for all I have. In fact I have too much." NEVER!!!! ha ha

The past 3 years have been a real challenge for me! My husband lost his job due to the economy crashing, we got into a crazy amount of debt trying to keep our apartment with the thought that he'd find work soon, had to sale our car, had to move into a room because we couldn't afford anything and ended up having to start over.

I have gone crazy with stress over how to make things work. My relationship struggled because I let finances stress me out and lost site of the important thing in life...LOVE!

While my husband has not been able to find a job, he has never stopped loving me, consoling me, and being the greatest dad in the world! He knows I love him and forgives easily when I freak out about him spending a few dollars to buy our son a burger while their out. He comforts me with reassuring words and even though it upsets me to here him be so confident while I am so unsure of things....I know he's right. He is what makes me so humble.

I have always been a worry wart. He lives carefree with the thought "if we have it great but if we don't than oh well!" While I sit to the side crying about not having our own place, not being able to do more things or go out more with our son. He reminds me not to overlook the little things like the fact that at least one of us has a job, we have our awesome son and we are lucky enough to have a place to sleep and food to eat.

Working with low income families you learn just how little a person can get by on. I've had families of 6 that are staying in a room with no furniture and making less than $6,000 a year and yet here I am complaining about not having my own place! We all need to step back and look at what we have and learn to give more to others. Have an extra $5? Grab a sandwich and give it to the first homeless person you see. Donate that extra $20 to an organization you believe in. Make a difference in someone else's life and make them see that things will get better one day at a time...

When the Real World met the Cyber-net

Me and the hubby were talking the other night about how crazy technology has gotten.

For one cellphones first started out huge and then started getting smaller. It was all about being compact and portable. Now cellphones keep getting bigger and bigger in order to get bigger viewing screens and more applications. Pretty soon we will be carrying around laptops to our ear to talk! ha ha ha

I remember being in high school in 2004 and barely buying myself a crappy little NOKIA pre-paid phone. That thing was so good to me. The battery lasted for days and it never froze up on me or crashed. Now my cellphone is either plugged while I use it so I know it won't die on me or it's being plugged in at least twice a day because the battery runs out given I'm using the applications 24-7!

The cellphone pretty much replaced everything! No need for laptops because your phones have internet, Word Document applications to type up papers, no need for a camera because your phone now has one for video and pictures, no need to get a game system because you've got thousands of games at your fingertips AND you can play with friends that are in a different continent!

It's amazing how things evolve. I used to think over what fun things I was going to do with friends on the weekend or what adventures I was going to get myself in now the only way I hang out with friends is by following their facebook, Pin-terest, Twitter etc...I remember a time when hanging out with friends was all about getting together in one place, actually seeing each other and talking about something other than what stupid thing someone posted on facebook...actually doing things! Now when I go out with people, everyone is sitting quietly staring at their phones the whole time.

It seems like everyone is just in a race to show off who is having a more exciting night. Facebook went from catching up to seeing people post crap every 5 minutes about what they bought at the grocery store, what they ate for lunch, what they saw on t.v., if they took a shit or not!

Now-a-days most people don't even comment on anything, they just "LIKE" it and repost it or simply ignore it.

Unity in an economy that's falling apart....

I'm not ashamed to admit that I have posted ads on the "Strictly Platonic" section of craigslist to find new friends or other young parents to hang out with. I got like 6 emails, not including the pervs looking to get laid,  that's all that answered it. I've kept in touch with those few over text or emails but we never hang out or talk on the phone. It just seems like as much as we say we should hang out or do something, nothing ever happens. It's like running into that friend you haven't seen since high school and you both smile and hug and say "we should catch up one of these days" and you both agree but as you walk away you think "oh god why did I have to run into her"... 

Well a couple days ago I posted an ad looking to talk to other young couples that were going through economical problems, mainly looking for guys to talk to so I could get a guys perspective on things.

*I must mention my hubby has been out of work for a over 2 years and we've had to move in with family because we can't survive on my paycheck alone. We've had a lot of fighting and disagreements because of money and him trying to find work or do something productive with his time. Whenever I try and talk about the debt we are in or how we are going to make it to my next paycheck he just huffs and puffs like I just asked him to clean the entire house. He is not good at expressing himself, he gets tongue-tied, just shuts down or just gets mad. He for some reason can never work through an emotion or explain what he's feeling or thinking. So I thought maybe if I got another guys perspective I could maybe find a better way to approach the issue.

Well anyway within an hour I had 22 emails from all these people who wanted to help me! I will say 5 of them were just pervs saying they could make me feel better by doing something naughty to me but the rest were actual people saying they were going through something similar. There were maybe 3 women but all others were men and they varied from mid 20's to late 30's, married, dating, divorced, selling their house, living with family, has a kid or many kids, don't have kids etc...

It was amazing to see the response I got. Not only were there men out there willing to listen to a woman's problems but they were asking for the same. Many of the guys wanted someone to talk to about their problems too and the more I talked with them, the more I found our lives to be SO similar! In a world where the economy is falling apart and families are struggling to stay united, we find comfort in other people going through the same difficulties.

With the "happy-exciting" ad I posted looking for friends to go out and have fun I got maybe 10 emails in a week but with the "need someone to talk to" ad I had 22 emails in just one day! I must say I am amazed to find people gathering together with strangers in times of hardship rather than having fun with friends to get their mind off of things. In an economy where families are being broken apart because of  $$ we find comfort in knowing we aren't the only ones suffering. Somehow knowing there is someone else out there going through the same frustrations we are, make everything seem a bit easier to deal with. Plus the fact that people are willing to listen to strangers and offer help or advice is just amazing to me. Maybe the world isn't as cold-hearted as I thought...

Strength of a mother...

I used to always look at my sister with her daughter and always see laughter, love and craziness. I saw a normal mother and child just playing, laughing and sharing love.
I didn't see a child who couldn't talk, couldn't walk, who had to breathe through a whole in her throat etc...To me she was a normal kid with some disadvantages like being clumsy or something. To me her medical needs were not huge factors they were just hiccups in life. I took notice of her handicaps for slight seconds in a day, like if she'd sneezed and I said bless you and then just continued on with life.

My sisters house always seemed to be the normal for a mother of 3, messy. It was never filthy but never sparkling clean ha ha come on she had 3 kids! I never paid a lot of attention to the boxes of medical supplies that got delivered, the infusion pump they used to feed her daughter, the prescription bottles, the suction machine they had to carry everywhere or even the nurse that came to watch her daughter everyday. To me her house was just a home, I never saw it as a small hospital.

It's amazing the things we don't notice when it isn't us. I am glad to say I saw my sister's life as normal and happy because that is exactly how she sees it. But it's crazy for me to wrap my head around a percentage of all that she does to take care of her daughter. She deals with so much that I'm surprised she has time to sit and watch a movie with her kids.

I find it annoying to have to schedule my son's dentist/dr. visits as well as mine every year but my sister has to coordinate between a number of Dr.'s just for her daughter. I can't even remember to give my son his vitamin every morning and my sister somehow manages to remember what prescriptions she's got to give her daughter, at what times, when to refill and so forth! I hassle with a nanny while she hassles with training new nurses so that they can take care of her daughter while she is at work. She has truly grown to love her daughter's nurses like her own family and how could she not. They are there for her in ways none of us are. They take care of her daughter, play with her, help her in school, attend all Dr. visits and are there to hold my sister's hand when she needs to cry it out.

There is so much more that my sister does but I'm not going to go all into detail, this blog is just about recognizing the AMAZING mother that she is. I dedicate this blog to my unbelievably strong and courageous sister! I hope to be even a tenth of the amazing, loving, fun mother that you are....

Young innocence

Why can’t we all be as happy as babies?

Babies are so accepting and loving. They are always smiling for silly things, always content with the smallest of things like playing with a spoon. They are happy to let us hug them, squish them, smother them with love and warmth and kiss them all over!

So why can’t we continue to be like that as we grow? Why do we need to become self conscious about how much affection we give or show one another? Why can’t we just give affection? I think everyone would be way happier and excited if we were all nice to each other and showed more love to one another. I never see people smiling anymore. Everyone is so serious, so grumpy, so stressed!

Ah to be a baby and just smile all day, and be loved!

Top 3 things I hate about women...

1. THE LIST
Woman sit here and obsess over the minutes in a day and how to get the most things done. We redo our list over and over in our head making sure we've made sure to mentally write everything down and making sure to emphasize on how much time and by when we want to accomplish it. We drive ourselves MAD with all the lists and re-listing and rethinking and stressing!

So why do we do it? Why do we sit here and make lists about stupid things like remembering to watch an episode of t.v. or making sure to look through a magazine or updating our Facebook 20 times a day! If we don't have time to do it and don't remember to do it who cares? Obviously the show wasn't that good if I didn't remember to watch it, the magazine must have been boring if I'm not waiting at the mail box to get it and read it and Facebook does not need to interrupt my thoughts of doing whatever else I am doing! So why think about it?

2. JEALOUSY
I don't care who you are, you cannot say you have never been jealous of another girl. We women sit here and obsess about other girls that look better than we do, that have more money than we do, that have better boyfriends than we do, cuter kids etc...

We make up these IDIOTIC reasons for why we don't care to associate with other girls instead of just calling it what it is...JEALOUSY! I am not ashamed to admit that sometimes I meet a new friend of a friend or the girl of one of my husbands friends or whatever, I make these dumb reasons why not to like her. She wears too much make-up, meaning she's prettier than I am and I wish I could do my make-up nice like her. She looks dumb walking around in heels when she's just playing around at home with the kids, meaning I hate that she can pull off heels and still be comfortable enough to run around with her kids. She's always wasting all this money on going out or eating out instead of saving it up and getting something that will last like a car or a mortgage, meaning I hate that I can't splurge like her whenever I feel like it! The list goes on and on....

3. THE "MOTHER" GENE
No matter how badly you treat us, how ungrateful you are, how much you don't deserve us even acknowledging your presence...we will bend over backwards to comfort you.

Every woman has at least one story of a friend, boy-friend, coworker...somebody, that always treated them like crap but for some reason they still sat there and tried to comfort them. Whether it's taking them out to eat/party, buying them gifts, dropping our lives because they are having a bad day...anything! We are all guilty of doing it. There is something within all women that feels the need to take care of others and make them feel better. No matter how much you hurt us, we are always somehow forgiving when we see others in pain. We forgive and we forget when someone hurts, our immediate response is to attempt to heel what's broken. Too bad not everyone deserves that kind of love!

Saying hello to privacy....

I read an article earlier on the thoughts of when we should stop allowing our kids to see us naked. I immediately LOVED the topic because it's one that has a lot of different feedback.

Coming from a Mexican background this topic NEVER comes up. I can say even to this day my old lady will pee in front of me, change her underwear in front of me, hell she'd probably even take a shower with me if I let her. Mexicans aren't really touchy about that whole thing. To my Vieja it's idiotic to think that you can't change your shirt in front of your kids, after all they were fed from your naked breasts and came from inside your very own body! Why would it be weird?

Well it is weird...for me anyway! Everyone has their own feelings or thoughts on the subject but hey, this is about my opinion. You ARE reading MY blog right? ha ha

I used to take showers with my son and never thought twice about being naked in front of him but for me once he could balance himself well enough to stand up and sit down in the tub, he was old enough to stop seeing mommy naked. When he was somewhere around 1 and a half  to 2 years old I stopped letting him see "momma's goods". For me being naked in front of your kids is only out of necessity. You show a boob to feed a hungry child, get naked to shower with him in the tub, or change in front of him because you need to keep an eye on him at the same time.

I don't change in front of my son or shower with him. I don't look at it as bad but it is uncomfortable because once they get to 2 or 3 years old they are much more aware of things. You being naked in front of them gives them the impression that it's ok and then they start getting naked with other kids or talking about mommies boobs or butt etc...My son is too young to be asking questions about why mommy has boobs and daddy doesn't or where mommy's "winky" is? ha ha

Plus who wants to find out their kid was talking to other kids or grown ups about how mommy or daddy look naked or how mommy's boobs are bigger than theirs or...It just opens up a door into awkward questions, embarrassing comments and memories you will never forget! We had one preschooler who drew a picture of his bath time with mommy and daddy. Well daddy happened to have 3 "LEGS", or so we thought! The child made sure to explain that the third "leg" was NOT a leg! That's going to be fun to talk about come parent-teacher conference time! ha ha ha

It's important to teach a child about privacy and safety. We need to teach them that their bodies are only for them and their parents to see. That mommy and daddy's body are only for them to see and that he shouldn't be getting undressed with other kids or adults. This also helps open the door into inappropriate touching from others. This way you can help him understand that nobody else should be touching his private areas but him, mommy or daddy.

I know at 3 years old my son may not understand about inappropriate touching or private areas but it's important to start somewhere. For me it starts with my son not seeing me naked and teaching him not to be naked in front of others. Then maybe in another year I can explain private parts and "bad" touching versus "okay" touching.

The fun in simplicity...

Growing up there were lots of things that I thought were normal and then the older I got and the more friends I got to know, the more I realized my life was kind of out of the ordinary.

I always thought my house was oober normal! I thought having 9 siblings was normal but then I saw the faces on people when I’d say I had that many siblings and well…it wasn’t so normal after all. Most families had between 1 and 3 kids and here I was with triple that amount!

I also thought that being raised by your sisters was normal but apparently parents raise their kids in the U.S. hmmm that one was new for me. I had my brothers and sisters punish me, reprimand me, help with homework, sign my school notes, drive me places etc…

Growing up I never realized how much my parents struggled to keep us all fed, rested and happy. I remember when I was younger me and my twin used to sleep in a closet because we just didn’t have enough room for everyone. They’d lay pillows and blankets on the floor of a walk in closet, close the door, and that was lights out! I always looked at it as being cool! It was my own secret hide-out where nobody came in but me and I would write little messages on the door and create this little wonderland in there. To me it was never depressing or sad it was exciting! I had the best of times in there!

I also remember the Vieja making the most of every meal! We grew up eating beans and rice pretty much every night. We never noticed that the Vieja always served us a crap load of water in the beans to make it last longer or that dinner was some rice and bananas or just the pot of soup she made was basically potatoes and veggies with 4 pieces of chicken so only the first four to eat got the meat. Every meal was filled with bread and tortillas so that you’d get full. My Vieja knew how to make a meal out of anything and we never dared not eat every last bite of it. In our house it was a sin to throw the smallest bite of food away!

We didn't get new toys all the time or these awesome electronics for Christmas presents. Gifts were always clothes with a chocolate bar in one of the pockets or some shoes.

We made our own toys. Slip ‘n Slide?? Nope, we ripped up garbage bags and set the sprinkler and just slid down the bags. Bubble wands? Nope we used dish soap and the lids from salt shakers to make bubbles or we used the fly swatter sometimes too! We made our own sling shots out of a bottle and a balloon. I remember once we used beans instead of rocks to sling at each other and the Vieja was sooo mad! We were trying to play but to her we were throwing away food and she made us search for all the frijoles we'd thrown!

Looking back I sometimes wish things were more normal but at the same time I don't because those days make me appreciate my brothers and sister and parents. I appreciate every moment they made creative.

Now I look at my family and all the creativity is gone. People are stuck on Playstations and Iphones and Laptops and big screen t.v.'s. Nobody is out building a sling shot or making a Slip 'n Slide. Everything is too easy, every memory is bought rather than created....

New Year - New Me...

I started this year obsessing over what my resolution would be, I didn't want to make a goal for my life because then I just obsess and end up getting all worked up and never doing it. Then come the end of the year I feel like a loser for not accomplishing it.


So this year I made three simple goals:

1. I will stop focusing on what I don't have and focus more on what I DO have.
I need to stop obsessing over not having a husband who sweeps me off my feet and takes care of me, my dream classic car, a picture perfect family etc...I should be thankful thatI have a husband who loves me, a car that hasn't broken down on me, at least one sister that is true family and so much more!

2. I won't let what happened yesterday stop me from accomplishing my goals today.
I always think because I didn't exercise yesterday, why exercise today, I will just start fresh next week. Or if I didn't get around to saving as much money as I wanted to this paycheck, I will just spend it and start fresh next paycheck. It's always next time because of some stupid little thing.

3. I will write a blog and take at least one picture every week of what inspired me or made me happy!
This will make me appreciate what I have and make me thankful. Also I can work on my writing skills, writing used to be my favorite thing to do.


So this is day one! Hopefully I keep on it and my world gets that much brighter <3

Whatever happened to just looking like….YOU?!?!?!

On t.v. there are 12 and 13 year olds wearing more make-up than I am! I see these Disney shows and Nickelodeon shows with little teeny-boppers wearing so much make-up that they look like they’re about to perform on a dance pole. Whatever happened to looking like a teenager? They’re 12 years YOUNG and already hiding the way they look behind make-up.

It seems that when girls are young they try to look older and when they are old they try to look younger but why? Doesn’t anybody enjoy the age that they’re at anymore?

I didn’t obsess about looking older when I was a youngster. I embraced it, I wreaked havoc, I acted like a child and just blamed all my stupidity on my age. I took advantage of every childish moment I could have and lived for the fun and carefree moments I could have before reaching adult-hood. But youngsters are so obsessed with looking older, where is the fun in that?

Then you have the 20-30 year olds that are already stressing about not looking young enough or not wearing enough make-up to cover this or that. I swear most of the girls I see wearing make-up look like they have porcelain faces. They’re literally turning into freakin dolls! Some girls would hear me say that and be so ecstatic at the thought that they look that perfect but to me it’s not a compliment, it’s an insult. I swear I see girls that have bags full of product and make-up tools and who know what else that they CANNOT live without! I know a girl who uses at least 8 products just to “PREPARE” her skin before applying her make-up….SERIOUSLY???? I am afraid to see what these girls look like with nothing on…no make-up to hide behind…nothing but their own skin.

I may not look glamorous, my skin is nowhere near flawless but I look like me. I am happy to know that at the end of the day when I wash my face I look exactly the same as I did before. I don’t need to hide behind anything. I own 2 pieces of make-up which I don’t find the need to put on every day. I don’t always love the way I look but I love who I am and I don’t need to hide behind a “porcelain mask” to look good.

Waiting for those better days

I'M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE A SINGLE MOTHER OF THREE...

I wish somebody else would worry and stress about everything. Just once for someone to put me before themselves. Everyones too busy doing what they want and letting me worry about paying everyones bills and making everyone elses life simple and carefree.

I just wish somebody would take care of me for awhile. Oh to be able to sit at home all day with my son and just play and relax! To drive around without worrying about gas money, groceries, or how to pay this bill or that bill!

I miss the days when I wasn't alone on worrying about money and bills and where we are going to be next month. The days when I had a partner working with me to build a future but those days are so far gone that I can't even remember how it felt to be worry free.

All I can say is that I hope all this pain and frustration turns out to give me a much deserved happy ending.

The Yellow brick road....

Sometimes that shiny road doesn't end up at the gate of a magical wizard...I thought my road would lead to this magical place called "HAPPINESS" but sometimes the monsters reach out and darken the sunny skies. They let their disease-ridden bugs crawl under my skin and make me feel things I wish I could numb out. They leave slimmy trails of anger and frustration...
I feel like the more time passes the less I know where things will lead. I remember a day not so long ago where everything seemed great. Days were filled with happy moments, tons of laughter and a second or two of anger. I remember spending long days in bed alone & naked with him, I remember hours wandering along that yellow brick road as we held hands, moments spent staring in disbelief at the beauty in his eyes....now it seems I never get to see those eyes. They are always wandering, never still enough for me to remember the boy I once fell in love with. We rush past the road, so fast it doesn't even seem to be yellow anymore. It seems like all he wants is time away from me and all I want is more time with my best friend! When did we stop admiring each other and when did we start abusing one another?

It seems we are in a rush to take a shit, take a shower, eat and sleep...no time to wipe my ass in between! Theres no time to stop and feel that profound love I know is hidden under all the frustration and confusion. All there is, is the need to run, run, run and get as much done as possible. But what is it all worth if you don't enjoy every second?

When did wanting to spend more time together become a bad thing? When did asking for affection become torcher? When did I stop being his everything????

Nightmares of a preschool office...

Thanks goes out to the two ladies that decided to come in today and let their kids run wild, we really appreciate you ignoring your kid as they break the blinds off the window. We especially loved how you laughed as you handed us the the broken blind and exclaimed "oh ha ha ha he broke this"....Seriously just because this is a preschool office doesn't mean you can let your kids run wild and break our stuff.

What is it with parents coming into our preschool office and ignoring their kids? I've had kids run out and I have to tell the parents to look up from the paper they're filling out and go get the kid from the parking lot! I mean just because we are a preschool site doesn't mean you can come and ignore your kids and we are going to watch them, this is still a place of business.

I also hate the parents that let their kids run wild and throw every single toy out of the bin, box or cubby....then when they want to go they just yell at their kids to hurry up and don't even worry about making their kids clean up the mess. Not to mention the fact that you just let them throw half of their snack on our rug and don't worry about picking up the damn wrappers.

But what REALLY gets to me, what I REALLY can't help but laugh insanely at...is when parents come in all pissed off because their kids weren't accepted. One lady came in ready to cuss me out because I barely told her last week that her kid wasn't eligible for our program. How dare I make her wait a month and a half to find out her kid didn't qualify. What is she supposed to do now???

A word of advice to parents:

         Preschool is not mandatory. It's like College, schools can always say NO to you. So do yourself a favor and apply EVERYWHERE! Don't just wait on one school cus you'll end up screwed"

Also to those 2 parents I had come in to complain about their kids not being "poor enough" as they call it, all while they drove up in a freakin HUMMER! Really lady!?!

Now and Then

Now that I’m a momma a lot has changed, particularly how my time is spent. I’ve had to let some things go but have gained a new world filled with laughter, frustration, giggles and lots, lots, lots of I love you’s.

I remember back to the days when I would be out walking until 3am or would wake up randomly in the middle of the night and go for a walk at 4am in the morning, even though I had to be at work at 8am. Sleep just wasn’t a big necessity. My weekends were full of hookah clouds, mind bending pipes, and ice cold liquids that made you feel good. Whether I was hanging out with just my roommate or the whole crowd, it was fun and full of energy! There were always people laughing, going crazy and just enjoying the wild night. I remember crazy nights like when we lit fireworks in the driveway, the night the power went out and spent the night playing with glow sticks and getting drunk, the night me and GREY decided to start “Sprinkler Wrestling” or even the night we went for a drunk walk and Bobbo decided to walk up and pee on someone’s front door…NEVER a BORING MOMENT. Everything was full of excitement and fun and no worries. We never thought about growing up, about what life really meant, or how we’d fit into each other’s futures.

Now I spend most of my nights begging my little man to let me sleep. He’s doing all the partying for me ha ha ha. My walks consist of picking him up and walking 3.5 miles to get home every afternoon. I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and think “Man a walk sounds so good right now!” Especially when I get a whiff of that cold, fresh air! But then I just fall back to sleep. Now I spend all my nights with my little man and get to enjoy friends on the weekends or for random dinners. My weekends are full of beach fun, pool parties, bbq’s, parks, zoos, boat trips, and so much more…But I am even busier now, then I ever was before. I get to spend nights watching movies and cartoons with him, laughing over the silliest of things, running around the house yelling like a mad person and using my fingers like guns as Nikko makes a wounded noise and falls to the floor. I watch him flirt with girls; like the time he was jumping around dancing and tried to look cool by jumping into a puddle, but instead he slipped and fell flat into the puddle ha ha ha I get to buy silly toys, play silly games, jump on the bed, and just have FUN! I get to watch in amazement as he grows and starts jumping off of diving boards, how he runs into the waves at the beach, how he builds these insanely characteristic expressions and randomly says new words. I have someone to always keep me company and make me laugh but most importantly of all, I have someone who will LOVE me forever and always. He has his silly faces, loving glances, caring touches, and heart felt “I love you mommy-ya”…I have all I could ever need in him. He makes me drunk with laughter and high as a kite with love. Who needs drunken nights when I have all that!

Venting about lifes headaches

This one is going to be personal. So if you don’t wanna read mushy, angry, frustrated girl crap….close the blog and surf the web.

Lately I’ve been going through a lot with family and my hubby. I don’t know if it’s the stress I get from all the bullshit my family gives me or if it’s merely that I don’t feel like the hubby is being there for me like I need him to.

It seems to me, the more time passes, the more I feel like he’s settling into a routine that doesn’t involve me. What makes things worse is that he doesn’t talk to me about things. He can be hurting inside and instead of talking to me he shuts down and zones out on his games. His solution is to avoid reality and just think that the bad is going to go away on its own….well it hasn’t worked out so far! It’s been 7 years since we first started dating and I still feel like his girlfriend sometimes. Like no matter what I do, he won’t let me into his little world.

I’ve been arguing about him helping me around the house or doing this and that. To him it’s like all I do is complain so he just wants to go out and of course ignore me. He doesn’t understand that ignoring me is really just pissing me off twice as much. End result = I do it all by myself, I end up pissed, and I get to have no fun. To him it’s like “I did really good 2 days out of the week, isn’t that enough?” REALLY! So am I supposed to give him a freaking gold star because he managed to wash his dishes on the same day rather than wait until 2 days later to do them? I hate being his mother, I hate having to tell him to clean up his dishes or do his laundry because it’s spilling out onto the floor, or to even pick up the 4 pairs of pants he has laying around the room…why can’t he be a grown up?

Then there is the stress from family. It seems just as I am beginning to get along with one sister, she decides to “talk” about me not visiting the viejos or talking to my other family brothers/sisters. Why does everyone have to question and guilt me into pretending that everything is ok? Why does the responsibility always have to fall on me? I make a simple comment about how thing are and everyone is on me about how the vieja is depressed that I don’t visit and how she keeps asking if I hate her and why she can’t see her grandson…why am I always the bad guy? I didn’t decide to let someone hurt my daughter, I didn’t decide to choose some asswhole over my own flesh and blood. I would love for Nikko to know his grandparents and play with them and be able to trust that he’s safe there…but I can’t. They chose to ignore my pain and now I choose to ignore them.

Then there is the twin, the one person I used to feel the most connected with. Things with her have never been the same since I started rebelling against the family. She's always been the sun and I am always the moon. She tries to make everything seem happy and awesome while I call it reality and cuss it out for pissing me off. In some ways she's the only one I can talk to sometimes but in others I feel like I can't. We share so much in pain, anger and disappointment but while she calls it a juicy orange, I call it a rotten apple.

Lastly there are the friends or shall I say, the lack of them. Seems as I grew up and started a new life I weaved them into the chapters of my life while they ripped the page out and continued with their story. I never thought I'd be in this place...well more like I hoped I'd never find myself here.

It seems like no matter who I talk about, everyone is always looking out for themselves. Nobody wants to give me leverage or compromise with me. All anyone wants to do is worry about their own comforts…

Friendships...

 I know we all grow at different paces...some of us sprint, some run full speed, and some just walk and enjoy the time. We all turn different corners down the path of life but in reality what makes us change so much that we lose friends and loved ones?

I know I've gained some friends and lost some friends and that is just the way life goes but when I really stop to think about it, I just don't understand why? Why is it that for years I can be great friends with someone? How can I talk with them every day, hang out every week and share life's important moments with someone and then in a blink of an eye that friend I had for years is just...GONE! I know the time went slow and they slowly disappeared into the dark but now it seems like it took mere seconds. Did I walk slower? Did they run faster? What happened that we no longer found a place in each others lives?

It makes me really sad to think back on all the friends I've lost, no matter what the reason. They take a part of me with them. The laughter I shared, the tears I cried, all the memories we created...left with them. That piece of me that was understood so well by that one person has to be silenced because no other person can ever understand it quite like they did.

Everyone always says we treat all friends the same and we love everyone but I can be honest and say I don't. There are some friends I can cry with, friends that will keep me laughing for days, friends that will rescue me when I call, friends who are only good for getting drunk etc... every person is unique and brings out that unique trait in you. When they leave that characteristic in you leaves too and a part of who you were is no longer there.

I only hope I find another friend to help me grow that piece I lost.....

Missing knight in shining armor...

Why is it that people don't stop to help each other when in trouble? What happened to all the heroes & Knights in shining armor?

The other night I was walking around the neighborhood with the hubby. It's late at night, probably around 10pm or so. I heard a man yelling but paid no attention and then the hubby says "oh my gosh look it! That guy is totally pushing that girl around!" So I look and sure enough across the street I see a guy yelling angrily and shoving her around. I heard the girl yell and it looked like she was crying. They were walking through an empty parking lot, towards a car. The man continued yelling, I got scared so I told the hubby we should call the cops. He replied, "For what, by the time they come the couple will be gone." I continued to argue on calling the police and he kept arguing against it but I didn't feel comfortable just standing by. I started explaining that something serious could happen to her & what if he really HURT her?

So the question is...what would you do? When you see someone being abusive to another person or being aggressive, do you act on it? Do you step in to help or call the police...something! Or do you simply duck your head and continue on with your day?

A women is getting pushed around and instead of calling the cops you duck ur head and keep walking away. If that girl ends up dead or seriously hurt wouldn't you feel guilty?

I may be going to extremes here, I can see his side of thought. We are across the street so we can't see things clearly, he hasn't hit her, she's the idiot sticking around with the abusive guy, the cops take forever to arrive to a scene when you need them, and it's not like we can see the license plates to have the cops follow the car. But I just can't help but go into panic mode.

Maybe I've been working with domestic violence vicitims for too many years, maybe as a girl I just want to look out for my fellow ladies, maybe...I dunno but the thought of somebody getting hurt and me not doing anything about it just kills me. I've had some of our clients go missing and we find weeks later that the guy found them and took them out of the U.S. I've had men try to beat down our doors to get to their wives that are in counseling sessions, I've seen women cry and pour their hearts out & not have a clue as to how to make things stop or not know where to go. It's horrible to see a woman shrink herself into an insignificant object and still try to put on a brave face for her kids.

Another example: A couple months ago I heard shouting in the apartment in front of us. The 17 year old boy and his girlfriend had just come home from the hospital with their new baby about 2 weeks ago. I heard the 17 year old yelling at the girl saying how she ruined his life and I heard her screaming for help. Then I hear dad yelling at the son to get off her and then there's a bunch of pounding and screaming. Now I see 4 people come out of their apartments to see what's going on...I heard nobody say a word about calling the police. So I automatically think "there's a newborn in the home, the guy is going crazy, the girl is yelling for help...time to call the cops" So I did. I called, gave them the information to the apartments, explained the situation and gave my information in case they needed to talk to me when they got here. Well cops arrived while the boy is still yelling and they charged in & I saw them take him out of the house handcuffed.

Now some people told me I should have just left it alone, if dad was there to handle it but that just was not an option for me. There is a newborn baby that could get hurt, obviously dad couldn't handle him because the girl would start yelling for help from time to time, and the yelling and pounding went on for a good 15 minutes before the cops got there and stopped it. You can NEVER be too safe! How people can come to "watch the show" but not want to get involved enough to make a call to the police is BEYOND my understanding.

All I know is if I hear/see someone in danger, you best believe I will stand in or call the police...I do what I can to help others, even when they aren't brave enough to ask for the help.