Venting about lifes headaches

This one is going to be personal. So if you don’t wanna read mushy, angry, frustrated girl crap….close the blog and surf the web.

Lately I’ve been going through a lot with family and my hubby. I don’t know if it’s the stress I get from all the bullshit my family gives me or if it’s merely that I don’t feel like the hubby is being there for me like I need him to.

It seems to me, the more time passes, the more I feel like he’s settling into a routine that doesn’t involve me. What makes things worse is that he doesn’t talk to me about things. He can be hurting inside and instead of talking to me he shuts down and zones out on his games. His solution is to avoid reality and just think that the bad is going to go away on its own….well it hasn’t worked out so far! It’s been 7 years since we first started dating and I still feel like his girlfriend sometimes. Like no matter what I do, he won’t let me into his little world.

I’ve been arguing about him helping me around the house or doing this and that. To him it’s like all I do is complain so he just wants to go out and of course ignore me. He doesn’t understand that ignoring me is really just pissing me off twice as much. End result = I do it all by myself, I end up pissed, and I get to have no fun. To him it’s like “I did really good 2 days out of the week, isn’t that enough?” REALLY! So am I supposed to give him a freaking gold star because he managed to wash his dishes on the same day rather than wait until 2 days later to do them? I hate being his mother, I hate having to tell him to clean up his dishes or do his laundry because it’s spilling out onto the floor, or to even pick up the 4 pairs of pants he has laying around the room…why can’t he be a grown up?

Then there is the stress from family. It seems just as I am beginning to get along with one sister, she decides to “talk” about me not visiting the viejos or talking to my other family brothers/sisters. Why does everyone have to question and guilt me into pretending that everything is ok? Why does the responsibility always have to fall on me? I make a simple comment about how thing are and everyone is on me about how the vieja is depressed that I don’t visit and how she keeps asking if I hate her and why she can’t see her grandson…why am I always the bad guy? I didn’t decide to let someone hurt my daughter, I didn’t decide to choose some asswhole over my own flesh and blood. I would love for Nikko to know his grandparents and play with them and be able to trust that he’s safe there…but I can’t. They chose to ignore my pain and now I choose to ignore them.

Then there is the twin, the one person I used to feel the most connected with. Things with her have never been the same since I started rebelling against the family. She's always been the sun and I am always the moon. She tries to make everything seem happy and awesome while I call it reality and cuss it out for pissing me off. In some ways she's the only one I can talk to sometimes but in others I feel like I can't. We share so much in pain, anger and disappointment but while she calls it a juicy orange, I call it a rotten apple.

Lastly there are the friends or shall I say, the lack of them. Seems as I grew up and started a new life I weaved them into the chapters of my life while they ripped the page out and continued with their story. I never thought I'd be in this place...well more like I hoped I'd never find myself here.

It seems like no matter who I talk about, everyone is always looking out for themselves. Nobody wants to give me leverage or compromise with me. All anyone wants to do is worry about their own comforts…