Mending my Broken Home with Love of a New Family

The hubby & I have always had trouble agreeing on how to spend our free time. While I like to keep busy doing things like cleaning, going for walks, going to the stores, the beach, the park etc… He’s always been more of a relaxed kind of person. He enjoys lounging at home, playing video games, watching movies/T.V., catching up on sleep, so most of the time, that’s what we do.

Sometimes I get very frustrated, angry, depressed etc… from being indoors for too long. If I am home for more than a couple hours I NEED to leave for a walk or something, just need to get out for a couple minutes at least. I don’t think he’s ever really understood my need for being out of the house. He’s always told me that he grew up sheltered and couldn’t go out much unless it was with his parents. I on the other hand left the house every chance I got…whether my parents knew or not.

As I broke down crying about how I was feeling really depressed and couldn’t stand being home I heard myself rambling on and on. As I heard myself saying these things I thought, “What a fucken crackhead! He must be SO in love with me to put up with my Psycho-Babble!” It amazes me sometimes how I can think clearly through an emotion and yet, I can’t stop the emotion from taking over. I can sit there and say “I know I am being overly-dramatic and am being stupid about something so insignificant…” but it’s how I am feeling at that moment and I just need to ride the emotion out. Sometimes I’ll just tell the hubby, “I’m being super emotional so watch out, I suggest you be super nice and just smile at everything I say” ha ha ha or sometimes I will tell him to just steer clear cus I’m in a mood. It helps prevent arguments until I can get rid of the “shitty emotional Jacky” and move on to “happy reasonable Jacky”.

So Saturday I had a fight with the hubby, I broke down and cried my ass off. As he sat there trying to console me and we talked it out, I came upon a…REVELATION. I’ve never been able to explain why I don’t like to sit at home or why I love being out SO much! I think it’s because I myself never really understood why I felt the way I do. I always made the excuse that I want Nikko to have fun and experience all these things. But I came to the realization Saturday that I hate being home because to me a home is full of pain and anger.

Growing up in my house was fun…sometimes. But truthfully we don’t remember the happy times as much as the painful ones. The pain, depression, anger and hatred that I developed while living at home will always be in the back of my head. I like to wander because it’s an escape from the pain that dwells at home when I was growing up. For me a home always brought pain and anger…so I never liked being home. Even now as I’ve grown up and have my own place. I can only tolerate being home for so long. I get angry and depressed if I’m indoors for too long. I just associate my place with all the problems in my life. While I am out it’s like I’ve left all of the problems and madness at home. It’s like reality hits me when I open the door to walk into my place.

I can say 75% of the time things are good! I’m chasing Nikko up and down the stairs, playing water fights in the bathtub, or jumping on the beds with him…SHHHH Dad doesn’t know about that ha ha ha. I am playing a video game with papa, getting frisky, or just taking a moment to relax with him & watch a movie …but there will always be that 25% that hits me on a random day. It’s so sad that I can’t be happy 24/7 in the home I’ve created for my family. I guess it’s just one of the maddening thoughts I need to continue to work through in order to be sane again.

What happened to people being nice....

I think it's sooo weird how in Mexico EVERYONE smiles and says hello to you. It doesn't matter the age difference, style, whether they know you or not....everyone is so nice! Well most of the time.

What is it about Americans that we are soooo SOUR! I decided to attempt to be nicer...I know! For those of you that REALLY know me I can be a pain in the butt! I don't really smile at people unless I really like you, I don't hug anyone...not even my best friends. Anyway so I am trying to be more positive and friendly. So I smile at everyone I see and say hello to everyone I pass by. But most people just make a face like "Why are you talking to me?" or they just smile and keep walking. So why is it that people can't just be friendly to each other. What stops us from saying hello and having random conversations with people?

EXAMPLE : The other day I was walking with Nikko and this girl about my same age was walking and texting on her phone. We were walking towards eachother and as we were a couple steps away she looks up so we made eye contact...I smiled and said hello and she raised an eyebrow like "WTF?" laughed and started back up on her phone...

So why not say hi back? Not like I'm gonna stop you and start talking or following you...

Also what is up with people not taking a simple gift? I understand there are a lot of freaks out there and people should be careful when taking things from others but I mean sometimes people are just trying to be nice AKA me!

EXAMPLE: About 2 weeks ago I was waiting at the bus stop with Nikko. I got there and sat him down, pulled out some apple slices for his snack and sat there to wait for the bus with him. I see some lady coming, while she's digging through her wallet. So she stops and I see she's trying to round up enough change for the bus ride. Then she asks me if I had change for a $5 to take the bus. I didn't so I said no and then told her I just had a day pass. Then I remembered I had bought a pack of 4 day passes so I had extras. So I offered her a bus pass and she said she didn't want it. I told her she didn't have to pay me for it that I had more and she just started ignoring me.

another example: I was getting off the bus with Nikko one day and stopped at the grocery store. So then I had to walk 2 blocks to get home and as I passed the bus stop I saw a lady sitting there with her baby trying to dig through her wallet and count her change. So I was going home, had already used my day pass, had no other use for it and though I should give it to the lady since I'm sure she's waiting for the bus. So I walked up to her and asked if she wanted a bus pass. She looked at me and smiled but then said "No estoy bien, Gracias" So I explained that I had already paid for it but no longer needed it cus I was about to get home. I told her I didn't want the pass to go to waste and it was good for the rest of the day if she needed it. So with a little effort she finally took it...

So what makes people sooo skeptical and worried about little things like saying hello or taking something as simple as a day pass?

The Vieja and me.....

So the Vieja, as I call my mother, got really sick yesterday. I was an hour into work and all of a sudden I get a call from my twin crying. The Vieja was taken to the ER and then admitted to the hospital for overnight stay. As soon as she said it, I felt my heart pumping faster, my body went cold and I couldn't think...I just wanted to hit pause and wait for my mind & body to catch up to reality. I spent the next couple hours feeling like I was on an adrenaline rush! I couldn't stop twitching my feet, I felt like I was in a rush to do everything, my voice was shaky, I felt fine then all of a sudden I'd start to cry....

When I finally decided to leave work early and go see her I was surprisingly calm. Like the thought alone of seeing her had fixed everything. On the way to the hospital I found myself wishing I had just stayed at work. I walked into the hospital with my sister and she automatically walked up to the Vieja to hug her and give her a kiss but I just walked in, sat down and said hello. The Vieja smiled and said hello. I could tell she was trying to act like everything was fine....like she was just getting her hair done or something! ha ha ha

It's weird to think though...my initial reaction towards the Vieja is always to stand away, just say hello and don't get close. But all my other sisters and brothers are huggin and kissing and chatting it up with her. Not that I am not a hugger or kisser, I do hug and kiss but it's not something that's natural to me.So I just sat to the side and found myself paying more attention to the television than to the Vieja. I hardly talked or joined the conversation, just sat there and listened. The only time I talked was when we started popping jokes. The Vieja always gets these younger, hotty, male nurses! ha ha ha We always ask her if she got a hot guy nurse and she blushes and then says "Oh yeah! I got all embarrassed when he was looking at all the goods!" The Vieja can be fun when she wants to. But she went on talking about the male nurse and how hunky he was and "oh but don't tell your father" ha ha ha As if we would.

As we left the hospital a couple hours later I started thinking about the visit. As much as I try to just talk randomly about whatever with the Vieja, the only thing I can do is joke with her. It made me realize something....

I feel awkward talking to my mom. I feel so distant from her that I don't know how to carry a conversation anymore...I can't sit with her by myself because then I just feel awkward. Like I'm meeting a stranger for the first time or something. IT'S WEIRD!

I've distanced myself from my family so much because of the hurtful things I had to grow up with and feeling like I had no support from them. I just didn't see a point in socializing with them. So I hardly ever talk to anyone, hang out with them or even bother to send a text saying "hey". I stopped calling my parents "Mom" and "Dad" and just started calling them "Viejo" and "Vieja". One day I was arguing with them over some childhood stuff and when I left I angrily just called him Viejo instead of Dad. He of course of got mad and said "Huh who you calling old! You'll be my age one day watch!" Ever since then that's what I call them. In all honesty I feel like I lost my mom and dad a long time ago...I don't feel like my parents deserve to be called mom and dad because to me, they haven't been a mom and dad. Yes they've raised me, clothed me, fed me and all. But any random person can do that. To me a mother and father care for their children, watch over them, protect them, feel for them, are there to wipe the tears away, to make their lives happier....that's something I think they failed in doing. 

As the night went on I heard my twin discussing who would stay with the Vieja during the day at the hospital and who would switch off in the evening....she got upset because my other sister backed out from going during the day as planned and she couldn't take the day off from work to go. I knew I could stay out of work to go but I told her in all honesty....I didn't want to. As much as I care for the Vieja and worry about her health, the thought of having to spend hours alone with her....it just was not going to go well. I can't talk to her, don't much get along with her...a visit is one thing but to stay with her is totally undo-able for me!

Is it wrong that I think this way of the person who gave birth to me???