Whatever happened to just looking like….YOU?!?!?!

On t.v. there are 12 and 13 year olds wearing more make-up than I am! I see these Disney shows and Nickelodeon shows with little teeny-boppers wearing so much make-up that they look like they’re about to perform on a dance pole. Whatever happened to looking like a teenager? They’re 12 years YOUNG and already hiding the way they look behind make-up.

It seems that when girls are young they try to look older and when they are old they try to look younger but why? Doesn’t anybody enjoy the age that they’re at anymore?

I didn’t obsess about looking older when I was a youngster. I embraced it, I wreaked havoc, I acted like a child and just blamed all my stupidity on my age. I took advantage of every childish moment I could have and lived for the fun and carefree moments I could have before reaching adult-hood. But youngsters are so obsessed with looking older, where is the fun in that?

Then you have the 20-30 year olds that are already stressing about not looking young enough or not wearing enough make-up to cover this or that. I swear most of the girls I see wearing make-up look like they have porcelain faces. They’re literally turning into freakin dolls! Some girls would hear me say that and be so ecstatic at the thought that they look that perfect but to me it’s not a compliment, it’s an insult. I swear I see girls that have bags full of product and make-up tools and who know what else that they CANNOT live without! I know a girl who uses at least 8 products just to “PREPARE” her skin before applying her make-up….SERIOUSLY???? I am afraid to see what these girls look like with nothing on…no make-up to hide behind…nothing but their own skin.

I may not look glamorous, my skin is nowhere near flawless but I look like me. I am happy to know that at the end of the day when I wash my face I look exactly the same as I did before. I don’t need to hide behind anything. I own 2 pieces of make-up which I don’t find the need to put on every day. I don’t always love the way I look but I love who I am and I don’t need to hide behind a “porcelain mask” to look good.

Waiting for those better days

I'M STARTING TO FEEL LIKE A SINGLE MOTHER OF THREE...

I wish somebody else would worry and stress about everything. Just once for someone to put me before themselves. Everyones too busy doing what they want and letting me worry about paying everyones bills and making everyone elses life simple and carefree.

I just wish somebody would take care of me for awhile. Oh to be able to sit at home all day with my son and just play and relax! To drive around without worrying about gas money, groceries, or how to pay this bill or that bill!

I miss the days when I wasn't alone on worrying about money and bills and where we are going to be next month. The days when I had a partner working with me to build a future but those days are so far gone that I can't even remember how it felt to be worry free.

All I can say is that I hope all this pain and frustration turns out to give me a much deserved happy ending.

The Yellow brick road....

Sometimes that shiny road doesn't end up at the gate of a magical wizard...I thought my road would lead to this magical place called "HAPPINESS" but sometimes the monsters reach out and darken the sunny skies. They let their disease-ridden bugs crawl under my skin and make me feel things I wish I could numb out. They leave slimmy trails of anger and frustration...
I feel like the more time passes the less I know where things will lead. I remember a day not so long ago where everything seemed great. Days were filled with happy moments, tons of laughter and a second or two of anger. I remember spending long days in bed alone & naked with him, I remember hours wandering along that yellow brick road as we held hands, moments spent staring in disbelief at the beauty in his eyes....now it seems I never get to see those eyes. They are always wandering, never still enough for me to remember the boy I once fell in love with. We rush past the road, so fast it doesn't even seem to be yellow anymore. It seems like all he wants is time away from me and all I want is more time with my best friend! When did we stop admiring each other and when did we start abusing one another?

It seems we are in a rush to take a shit, take a shower, eat and sleep...no time to wipe my ass in between! Theres no time to stop and feel that profound love I know is hidden under all the frustration and confusion. All there is, is the need to run, run, run and get as much done as possible. But what is it all worth if you don't enjoy every second?

When did wanting to spend more time together become a bad thing? When did asking for affection become torcher? When did I stop being his everything????

Nightmares of a preschool office...

Thanks goes out to the two ladies that decided to come in today and let their kids run wild, we really appreciate you ignoring your kid as they break the blinds off the window. We especially loved how you laughed as you handed us the the broken blind and exclaimed "oh ha ha ha he broke this"....Seriously just because this is a preschool office doesn't mean you can let your kids run wild and break our stuff.

What is it with parents coming into our preschool office and ignoring their kids? I've had kids run out and I have to tell the parents to look up from the paper they're filling out and go get the kid from the parking lot! I mean just because we are a preschool site doesn't mean you can come and ignore your kids and we are going to watch them, this is still a place of business.

I also hate the parents that let their kids run wild and throw every single toy out of the bin, box or cubby....then when they want to go they just yell at their kids to hurry up and don't even worry about making their kids clean up the mess. Not to mention the fact that you just let them throw half of their snack on our rug and don't worry about picking up the damn wrappers.

But what REALLY gets to me, what I REALLY can't help but laugh insanely at...is when parents come in all pissed off because their kids weren't accepted. One lady came in ready to cuss me out because I barely told her last week that her kid wasn't eligible for our program. How dare I make her wait a month and a half to find out her kid didn't qualify. What is she supposed to do now???

A word of advice to parents:

         Preschool is not mandatory. It's like College, schools can always say NO to you. So do yourself a favor and apply EVERYWHERE! Don't just wait on one school cus you'll end up screwed"

Also to those 2 parents I had come in to complain about their kids not being "poor enough" as they call it, all while they drove up in a freakin HUMMER! Really lady!?!

Now and Then

Now that I’m a momma a lot has changed, particularly how my time is spent. I’ve had to let some things go but have gained a new world filled with laughter, frustration, giggles and lots, lots, lots of I love you’s.

I remember back to the days when I would be out walking until 3am or would wake up randomly in the middle of the night and go for a walk at 4am in the morning, even though I had to be at work at 8am. Sleep just wasn’t a big necessity. My weekends were full of hookah clouds, mind bending pipes, and ice cold liquids that made you feel good. Whether I was hanging out with just my roommate or the whole crowd, it was fun and full of energy! There were always people laughing, going crazy and just enjoying the wild night. I remember crazy nights like when we lit fireworks in the driveway, the night the power went out and spent the night playing with glow sticks and getting drunk, the night me and GREY decided to start “Sprinkler Wrestling” or even the night we went for a drunk walk and Bobbo decided to walk up and pee on someone’s front door…NEVER a BORING MOMENT. Everything was full of excitement and fun and no worries. We never thought about growing up, about what life really meant, or how we’d fit into each other’s futures.

Now I spend most of my nights begging my little man to let me sleep. He’s doing all the partying for me ha ha ha. My walks consist of picking him up and walking 3.5 miles to get home every afternoon. I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night and think “Man a walk sounds so good right now!” Especially when I get a whiff of that cold, fresh air! But then I just fall back to sleep. Now I spend all my nights with my little man and get to enjoy friends on the weekends or for random dinners. My weekends are full of beach fun, pool parties, bbq’s, parks, zoos, boat trips, and so much more…But I am even busier now, then I ever was before. I get to spend nights watching movies and cartoons with him, laughing over the silliest of things, running around the house yelling like a mad person and using my fingers like guns as Nikko makes a wounded noise and falls to the floor. I watch him flirt with girls; like the time he was jumping around dancing and tried to look cool by jumping into a puddle, but instead he slipped and fell flat into the puddle ha ha ha I get to buy silly toys, play silly games, jump on the bed, and just have FUN! I get to watch in amazement as he grows and starts jumping off of diving boards, how he runs into the waves at the beach, how he builds these insanely characteristic expressions and randomly says new words. I have someone to always keep me company and make me laugh but most importantly of all, I have someone who will LOVE me forever and always. He has his silly faces, loving glances, caring touches, and heart felt “I love you mommy-ya”…I have all I could ever need in him. He makes me drunk with laughter and high as a kite with love. Who needs drunken nights when I have all that!

Venting about lifes headaches

This one is going to be personal. So if you don’t wanna read mushy, angry, frustrated girl crap….close the blog and surf the web.

Lately I’ve been going through a lot with family and my hubby. I don’t know if it’s the stress I get from all the bullshit my family gives me or if it’s merely that I don’t feel like the hubby is being there for me like I need him to.

It seems to me, the more time passes, the more I feel like he’s settling into a routine that doesn’t involve me. What makes things worse is that he doesn’t talk to me about things. He can be hurting inside and instead of talking to me he shuts down and zones out on his games. His solution is to avoid reality and just think that the bad is going to go away on its own….well it hasn’t worked out so far! It’s been 7 years since we first started dating and I still feel like his girlfriend sometimes. Like no matter what I do, he won’t let me into his little world.

I’ve been arguing about him helping me around the house or doing this and that. To him it’s like all I do is complain so he just wants to go out and of course ignore me. He doesn’t understand that ignoring me is really just pissing me off twice as much. End result = I do it all by myself, I end up pissed, and I get to have no fun. To him it’s like “I did really good 2 days out of the week, isn’t that enough?” REALLY! So am I supposed to give him a freaking gold star because he managed to wash his dishes on the same day rather than wait until 2 days later to do them? I hate being his mother, I hate having to tell him to clean up his dishes or do his laundry because it’s spilling out onto the floor, or to even pick up the 4 pairs of pants he has laying around the room…why can’t he be a grown up?

Then there is the stress from family. It seems just as I am beginning to get along with one sister, she decides to “talk” about me not visiting the viejos or talking to my other family brothers/sisters. Why does everyone have to question and guilt me into pretending that everything is ok? Why does the responsibility always have to fall on me? I make a simple comment about how thing are and everyone is on me about how the vieja is depressed that I don’t visit and how she keeps asking if I hate her and why she can’t see her grandson…why am I always the bad guy? I didn’t decide to let someone hurt my daughter, I didn’t decide to choose some asswhole over my own flesh and blood. I would love for Nikko to know his grandparents and play with them and be able to trust that he’s safe there…but I can’t. They chose to ignore my pain and now I choose to ignore them.

Then there is the twin, the one person I used to feel the most connected with. Things with her have never been the same since I started rebelling against the family. She's always been the sun and I am always the moon. She tries to make everything seem happy and awesome while I call it reality and cuss it out for pissing me off. In some ways she's the only one I can talk to sometimes but in others I feel like I can't. We share so much in pain, anger and disappointment but while she calls it a juicy orange, I call it a rotten apple.

Lastly there are the friends or shall I say, the lack of them. Seems as I grew up and started a new life I weaved them into the chapters of my life while they ripped the page out and continued with their story. I never thought I'd be in this place...well more like I hoped I'd never find myself here.

It seems like no matter who I talk about, everyone is always looking out for themselves. Nobody wants to give me leverage or compromise with me. All anyone wants to do is worry about their own comforts…

Friendships...

 I know we all grow at different paces...some of us sprint, some run full speed, and some just walk and enjoy the time. We all turn different corners down the path of life but in reality what makes us change so much that we lose friends and loved ones?

I know I've gained some friends and lost some friends and that is just the way life goes but when I really stop to think about it, I just don't understand why? Why is it that for years I can be great friends with someone? How can I talk with them every day, hang out every week and share life's important moments with someone and then in a blink of an eye that friend I had for years is just...GONE! I know the time went slow and they slowly disappeared into the dark but now it seems like it took mere seconds. Did I walk slower? Did they run faster? What happened that we no longer found a place in each others lives?

It makes me really sad to think back on all the friends I've lost, no matter what the reason. They take a part of me with them. The laughter I shared, the tears I cried, all the memories we created...left with them. That piece of me that was understood so well by that one person has to be silenced because no other person can ever understand it quite like they did.

Everyone always says we treat all friends the same and we love everyone but I can be honest and say I don't. There are some friends I can cry with, friends that will keep me laughing for days, friends that will rescue me when I call, friends who are only good for getting drunk etc... every person is unique and brings out that unique trait in you. When they leave that characteristic in you leaves too and a part of who you were is no longer there.

I only hope I find another friend to help me grow that piece I lost.....

Missing knight in shining armor...

Why is it that people don't stop to help each other when in trouble? What happened to all the heroes & Knights in shining armor?

The other night I was walking around the neighborhood with the hubby. It's late at night, probably around 10pm or so. I heard a man yelling but paid no attention and then the hubby says "oh my gosh look it! That guy is totally pushing that girl around!" So I look and sure enough across the street I see a guy yelling angrily and shoving her around. I heard the girl yell and it looked like she was crying. They were walking through an empty parking lot, towards a car. The man continued yelling, I got scared so I told the hubby we should call the cops. He replied, "For what, by the time they come the couple will be gone." I continued to argue on calling the police and he kept arguing against it but I didn't feel comfortable just standing by. I started explaining that something serious could happen to her & what if he really HURT her?

So the question is...what would you do? When you see someone being abusive to another person or being aggressive, do you act on it? Do you step in to help or call the police...something! Or do you simply duck your head and continue on with your day?

A women is getting pushed around and instead of calling the cops you duck ur head and keep walking away. If that girl ends up dead or seriously hurt wouldn't you feel guilty?

I may be going to extremes here, I can see his side of thought. We are across the street so we can't see things clearly, he hasn't hit her, she's the idiot sticking around with the abusive guy, the cops take forever to arrive to a scene when you need them, and it's not like we can see the license plates to have the cops follow the car. But I just can't help but go into panic mode.

Maybe I've been working with domestic violence vicitims for too many years, maybe as a girl I just want to look out for my fellow ladies, maybe...I dunno but the thought of somebody getting hurt and me not doing anything about it just kills me. I've had some of our clients go missing and we find weeks later that the guy found them and took them out of the U.S. I've had men try to beat down our doors to get to their wives that are in counseling sessions, I've seen women cry and pour their hearts out & not have a clue as to how to make things stop or not know where to go. It's horrible to see a woman shrink herself into an insignificant object and still try to put on a brave face for her kids.

Another example: A couple months ago I heard shouting in the apartment in front of us. The 17 year old boy and his girlfriend had just come home from the hospital with their new baby about 2 weeks ago. I heard the 17 year old yelling at the girl saying how she ruined his life and I heard her screaming for help. Then I hear dad yelling at the son to get off her and then there's a bunch of pounding and screaming. Now I see 4 people come out of their apartments to see what's going on...I heard nobody say a word about calling the police. So I automatically think "there's a newborn in the home, the guy is going crazy, the girl is yelling for help...time to call the cops" So I did. I called, gave them the information to the apartments, explained the situation and gave my information in case they needed to talk to me when they got here. Well cops arrived while the boy is still yelling and they charged in & I saw them take him out of the house handcuffed.

Now some people told me I should have just left it alone, if dad was there to handle it but that just was not an option for me. There is a newborn baby that could get hurt, obviously dad couldn't handle him because the girl would start yelling for help from time to time, and the yelling and pounding went on for a good 15 minutes before the cops got there and stopped it. You can NEVER be too safe! How people can come to "watch the show" but not want to get involved enough to make a call to the police is BEYOND my understanding.

All I know is if I hear/see someone in danger, you best believe I will stand in or call the police...I do what I can to help others, even when they aren't brave enough to ask for the help.

Mending my Broken Home with Love of a New Family

The hubby & I have always had trouble agreeing on how to spend our free time. While I like to keep busy doing things like cleaning, going for walks, going to the stores, the beach, the park etc… He’s always been more of a relaxed kind of person. He enjoys lounging at home, playing video games, watching movies/T.V., catching up on sleep, so most of the time, that’s what we do.

Sometimes I get very frustrated, angry, depressed etc… from being indoors for too long. If I am home for more than a couple hours I NEED to leave for a walk or something, just need to get out for a couple minutes at least. I don’t think he’s ever really understood my need for being out of the house. He’s always told me that he grew up sheltered and couldn’t go out much unless it was with his parents. I on the other hand left the house every chance I got…whether my parents knew or not.

As I broke down crying about how I was feeling really depressed and couldn’t stand being home I heard myself rambling on and on. As I heard myself saying these things I thought, “What a fucken crackhead! He must be SO in love with me to put up with my Psycho-Babble!” It amazes me sometimes how I can think clearly through an emotion and yet, I can’t stop the emotion from taking over. I can sit there and say “I know I am being overly-dramatic and am being stupid about something so insignificant…” but it’s how I am feeling at that moment and I just need to ride the emotion out. Sometimes I’ll just tell the hubby, “I’m being super emotional so watch out, I suggest you be super nice and just smile at everything I say” ha ha ha or sometimes I will tell him to just steer clear cus I’m in a mood. It helps prevent arguments until I can get rid of the “shitty emotional Jacky” and move on to “happy reasonable Jacky”.

So Saturday I had a fight with the hubby, I broke down and cried my ass off. As he sat there trying to console me and we talked it out, I came upon a…REVELATION. I’ve never been able to explain why I don’t like to sit at home or why I love being out SO much! I think it’s because I myself never really understood why I felt the way I do. I always made the excuse that I want Nikko to have fun and experience all these things. But I came to the realization Saturday that I hate being home because to me a home is full of pain and anger.

Growing up in my house was fun…sometimes. But truthfully we don’t remember the happy times as much as the painful ones. The pain, depression, anger and hatred that I developed while living at home will always be in the back of my head. I like to wander because it’s an escape from the pain that dwells at home when I was growing up. For me a home always brought pain and anger…so I never liked being home. Even now as I’ve grown up and have my own place. I can only tolerate being home for so long. I get angry and depressed if I’m indoors for too long. I just associate my place with all the problems in my life. While I am out it’s like I’ve left all of the problems and madness at home. It’s like reality hits me when I open the door to walk into my place.

I can say 75% of the time things are good! I’m chasing Nikko up and down the stairs, playing water fights in the bathtub, or jumping on the beds with him…SHHHH Dad doesn’t know about that ha ha ha. I am playing a video game with papa, getting frisky, or just taking a moment to relax with him & watch a movie …but there will always be that 25% that hits me on a random day. It’s so sad that I can’t be happy 24/7 in the home I’ve created for my family. I guess it’s just one of the maddening thoughts I need to continue to work through in order to be sane again.

What happened to people being nice....

I think it's sooo weird how in Mexico EVERYONE smiles and says hello to you. It doesn't matter the age difference, style, whether they know you or not....everyone is so nice! Well most of the time.

What is it about Americans that we are soooo SOUR! I decided to attempt to be nicer...I know! For those of you that REALLY know me I can be a pain in the butt! I don't really smile at people unless I really like you, I don't hug anyone...not even my best friends. Anyway so I am trying to be more positive and friendly. So I smile at everyone I see and say hello to everyone I pass by. But most people just make a face like "Why are you talking to me?" or they just smile and keep walking. So why is it that people can't just be friendly to each other. What stops us from saying hello and having random conversations with people?

EXAMPLE : The other day I was walking with Nikko and this girl about my same age was walking and texting on her phone. We were walking towards eachother and as we were a couple steps away she looks up so we made eye contact...I smiled and said hello and she raised an eyebrow like "WTF?" laughed and started back up on her phone...

So why not say hi back? Not like I'm gonna stop you and start talking or following you...

Also what is up with people not taking a simple gift? I understand there are a lot of freaks out there and people should be careful when taking things from others but I mean sometimes people are just trying to be nice AKA me!

EXAMPLE: About 2 weeks ago I was waiting at the bus stop with Nikko. I got there and sat him down, pulled out some apple slices for his snack and sat there to wait for the bus with him. I see some lady coming, while she's digging through her wallet. So she stops and I see she's trying to round up enough change for the bus ride. Then she asks me if I had change for a $5 to take the bus. I didn't so I said no and then told her I just had a day pass. Then I remembered I had bought a pack of 4 day passes so I had extras. So I offered her a bus pass and she said she didn't want it. I told her she didn't have to pay me for it that I had more and she just started ignoring me.

another example: I was getting off the bus with Nikko one day and stopped at the grocery store. So then I had to walk 2 blocks to get home and as I passed the bus stop I saw a lady sitting there with her baby trying to dig through her wallet and count her change. So I was going home, had already used my day pass, had no other use for it and though I should give it to the lady since I'm sure she's waiting for the bus. So I walked up to her and asked if she wanted a bus pass. She looked at me and smiled but then said "No estoy bien, Gracias" So I explained that I had already paid for it but no longer needed it cus I was about to get home. I told her I didn't want the pass to go to waste and it was good for the rest of the day if she needed it. So with a little effort she finally took it...

So what makes people sooo skeptical and worried about little things like saying hello or taking something as simple as a day pass?

The Vieja and me.....

So the Vieja, as I call my mother, got really sick yesterday. I was an hour into work and all of a sudden I get a call from my twin crying. The Vieja was taken to the ER and then admitted to the hospital for overnight stay. As soon as she said it, I felt my heart pumping faster, my body went cold and I couldn't think...I just wanted to hit pause and wait for my mind & body to catch up to reality. I spent the next couple hours feeling like I was on an adrenaline rush! I couldn't stop twitching my feet, I felt like I was in a rush to do everything, my voice was shaky, I felt fine then all of a sudden I'd start to cry....

When I finally decided to leave work early and go see her I was surprisingly calm. Like the thought alone of seeing her had fixed everything. On the way to the hospital I found myself wishing I had just stayed at work. I walked into the hospital with my sister and she automatically walked up to the Vieja to hug her and give her a kiss but I just walked in, sat down and said hello. The Vieja smiled and said hello. I could tell she was trying to act like everything was fine....like she was just getting her hair done or something! ha ha ha

It's weird to think though...my initial reaction towards the Vieja is always to stand away, just say hello and don't get close. But all my other sisters and brothers are huggin and kissing and chatting it up with her. Not that I am not a hugger or kisser, I do hug and kiss but it's not something that's natural to me.So I just sat to the side and found myself paying more attention to the television than to the Vieja. I hardly talked or joined the conversation, just sat there and listened. The only time I talked was when we started popping jokes. The Vieja always gets these younger, hotty, male nurses! ha ha ha We always ask her if she got a hot guy nurse and she blushes and then says "Oh yeah! I got all embarrassed when he was looking at all the goods!" The Vieja can be fun when she wants to. But she went on talking about the male nurse and how hunky he was and "oh but don't tell your father" ha ha ha As if we would.

As we left the hospital a couple hours later I started thinking about the visit. As much as I try to just talk randomly about whatever with the Vieja, the only thing I can do is joke with her. It made me realize something....

I feel awkward talking to my mom. I feel so distant from her that I don't know how to carry a conversation anymore...I can't sit with her by myself because then I just feel awkward. Like I'm meeting a stranger for the first time or something. IT'S WEIRD!

I've distanced myself from my family so much because of the hurtful things I had to grow up with and feeling like I had no support from them. I just didn't see a point in socializing with them. So I hardly ever talk to anyone, hang out with them or even bother to send a text saying "hey". I stopped calling my parents "Mom" and "Dad" and just started calling them "Viejo" and "Vieja". One day I was arguing with them over some childhood stuff and when I left I angrily just called him Viejo instead of Dad. He of course of got mad and said "Huh who you calling old! You'll be my age one day watch!" Ever since then that's what I call them. In all honesty I feel like I lost my mom and dad a long time ago...I don't feel like my parents deserve to be called mom and dad because to me, they haven't been a mom and dad. Yes they've raised me, clothed me, fed me and all. But any random person can do that. To me a mother and father care for their children, watch over them, protect them, feel for them, are there to wipe the tears away, to make their lives happier....that's something I think they failed in doing. 

As the night went on I heard my twin discussing who would stay with the Vieja during the day at the hospital and who would switch off in the evening....she got upset because my other sister backed out from going during the day as planned and she couldn't take the day off from work to go. I knew I could stay out of work to go but I told her in all honesty....I didn't want to. As much as I care for the Vieja and worry about her health, the thought of having to spend hours alone with her....it just was not going to go well. I can't talk to her, don't much get along with her...a visit is one thing but to stay with her is totally undo-able for me!

Is it wrong that I think this way of the person who gave birth to me???

 

 

 

The good and the bad in my life….

Good:
-I have my own place and I have been able to take care of myself without needing anyone so far
-My job makes me humble and appreciate so much
-I don’t need a nice car, big house, or 50 dollar jeans to be happy
-I am adventurous, love to laugh and just want to have fun
-I care more about the adventures I have rather than the way I look as I am doing it
-I don’t find it necessary to have a cell phone at all times
-Myspace/Facebook is not where I live
-I don’t need alcohol or drugs to have fun
-I talk to any random person that says hello
-I don’t like to lie or bullshit so I am honest 24/7
-I have this amazing baby who makes me feel so happy
-I married the love of my life
-I have someone who makes me laugh a lot
-I have a son who makes me stronger everyday
-I have this unrelenting will that helps me survive any problem that gets in my way

Bad:
-My pride gets the best of me sometimes, I’m so stuck on being independent that I push people away.
-I have no interest in starting a career
-I am shit scared of learning how to drive
-I tend to be very loud and outspoken which scares a lot of people away
-I can’t help but spend money on others…even when I really need something for myself
-I don’t remember most of my childhood, although most of the time I am glad I don’t
-Sometimes I let my anger and frustration get the best of me
-I will always secretly HATE my parents and can’t possibly try to understand them
-I am in love with a total slob who has no romantic sense
-I attract a lot of perverts and crazies because I feel the need to answer a hello
-I don’t like to fake smiles or laughter & so people get uncomfortable around me
-I don’t make time to do the things that used to make me REALLY happy
-I fear that I am a bad mom :(
-I often wish my lover was someone else, someone romantic, some one more adventurous etc…
-I miss the simplicities of life….a walk in the rain, watching the clouds go by, taking a hike etc…

Trust & Love & Happiness...

So today's topic is trusting your partner.

Example: The lover randomly told me that an old "girl" friend, notice the separation of words, asked to take him out for dinner since his birthday had just passed. He didn't invite me to go, didn't say what time he'd be back or anything else really. So I automatically said "ok, have fun". Now I don't know this friend of his, I've met her once for all of about 15 minutes and she was cute, shy and I could tell her and the lover had a lot in common. It was nice to see him reconnect with someone, didn't matter that it was a girl.

My sister's reaction was to come home, ask where he was and then unload the million questions she had running through her head. Where did they go? What time is he coming back? Did he go with just her or were more people going? Why didn't he invite you? etc...

My reaction to all this was to laugh. I didn't care who he was with or what time he'd be home. I only hoped he was having a blast with whoever was there.

He came home around midnight with his friend behind him. They had definitely been drinking, they walked in, said hello and started drinking again while they chatted. I said hello, then after about 20 minutes said good night and went to bed....leaving them downstairs, drinking, by themselves.

Now I understand that most girls would be, waiting up for their guy and if he came home with the "girl" friend they'd throw a major hissy fit and chew their man's head off the next day about it. I don't get that. I asked him the next day if he had fun and listened to his little story about how the night went and then moved on with my day.

Now I have people ask me all the time about my relationship with my hubby.
They will tell me they don't understand how I can let him go out and not ask where he's going or when he's coming home or who he's going with....
Well I don't understand why people are soo hung  up on knowing every single little detail.

I find it ridiculous that girls get that way. If a guy wants to cheat he will do it whether you ask him a million questions or not. I have trust that my hubby loves me, wants to be with me and has no need to be with someone else. I can't say I am not jealous and that I never worry about the hubby finding some hotter, funner, skinnier, more sexually pleasing chick....but me nagging him about it is sure as hell not gonna help the situation. All your going to do is frustrate your partner by asking a million questions and then hurt their feelings by showing you don't trust them

I TRUST entirely in my hubby to love me and be with only me. I can sit there and check out chicks with him...tell him "oh my gosh look at that girls boobs!!! DAMN they look good!" ha ha ha ha Flirting is ok as long as it's just that...flirting. If the day comes that he feels he needs more attention from someone else then we'll talk about it and figure out what to do with our relationship. I am not insecure in my relationship. I feel truly LOVED by my hunkalicious papabear and I believe he has no interest in anyone but me.

Lonely Mama

It seems like when I first got pregnant everything was so exciting! My friends were all excited and were looking forward to the new baby! We thought about a bigger place with a new baby, new experiences, and more fun memories to make!

All except one friend...my roommate stopped talking to me and when I confronted her about her attitude she told me things were going to change. She said one by one all my friends would disappear because I wouldn't have time for them.

I hated her for saying that and always thought, "there is no way that will happen" but now I find myself 3 years later sitting at home watching the lover hang out with his buddies and none of my friends are around. Sure enough one by one they started to disappear. Not to my fault though. I did hangouts every other week to keep things evened out. They'd come over and drink, smoke, party it up and just have fun and then other weekends we'd chill with my son at the park or beach or whatever....but they just stopped coming around. It seems my roommates cursed me or something.

I try doing bbq's or drink nites but they are all too busy. Whatever happened to friendship. Does growing up have to mean losing friends? It seems this happens to everyone! My coworker lost all her friends once she has her daughter as well. I mean what is that about? Doesn't friendship mean anything anymore? Can't people still have relationships?

I miss having friends to talk to in the middle of the night. Someone to have some drinks with, go to a movie, run to when things are going bad with the lover....just having someone there! So what happened? What changed? Why can't friends be forever????

Fat girls and Fashion...

Todays topic of discussion…FAT GIRLS.

If your sensitive about your weight I suggest you not read this cus I’ll be making a lot of jokes and mean comments.

Now first of all I’m a fatty girl…I wear XL clothing, I got an ass as wide as a mountain, and I got a belly that looks like I swallowed an entire watermelon ha ha ha. I don’t mind my weight though, I am beautiful in my own way and I have no problem saying I am overweight. It’s not a concern for me…

Now that doesn’t mean I eat sweets all day or drink nothing but soda. In all honesty I had about half a soda yesterday and before that I hadn’t had soda in over 2 weeks. My friends are always looking at me weird because I dilute my juices…1/3 juice and 2/3 water mmmm, just sweet enough! I am not a big sweets girl either. I have jars of candy in my house that is leftover from Halloween! I’ve never been huge on all the sugar stuff. I’m a huge salad freak mmmm and veggies! I eat tomatoes whole! Bite into them like apples! Sooo yummmyy!!! My dad would raise us to eat everything with chili and lemon. If we didn’t like a certain vegetable, then he’d slice it up throw some chili powder and sprinkle a lemon over it and mmmmmm we’d inhale it all! So I grew to LOVE veggies and fruit. I also love to run around. I walk home from work about 4 miles on most days and like running around with my lil boy. I’ve never been a home body, I like to be outside, in the fresh air with nature and all its beauty.

OK now that you know a little about me…so you don’t think I’m some skinny bitch talking shit about fatty girls….here comes the real topic of today’s blog.

What is up with all the fatties walking around in clothes that don’t fit them? I mean seriously!?!? I feel like walking up to them and asking them if they know that they make clothing in bigger sizes. I mean do you not know there’s a bigger size that will actually FIT you? I see these big girls walking around in pants that have their stomachs hanging out of them…obviously if your stomach doesn’t fit in your pants, you need a bigger size. Also! Buy a shirt that actually fits over your stomach. I saw a girl yesterday at the market that kept tugging at her shirt, but no matter how much she would keep tugging down that shirt NEVER reached over her stomach…HELLO!!! It means the shirt doesn’t fit you. These people give fatties a bad rep. They make us look like gross, disgusting, slobs. I mean just because your fat doesn’t mean you gotta dress nasty. I understand that in today’s fashion clothes keeps getting smaller and more revealing but as a fat girl you gotta know you’re basics for fashion.

My Top 5  Fatty Fashion Rules!

Rule #1: Layer it! If you’ve got a stomach make sure you’re wearing something to tuck that gut in. Wear a tight shirt that reaches at least 4 inches past that gut and then a cute looser shirt on top. Nobody needs to see the lard peeking out from under your shirt. It’s oober important to tuck the fat in and make your self look slimmer.

Rule #2 NEVER EVER wear tight clothing…I don’t care how good you think you look, you do not need to accentuate the lard that’s hanging off of you.

Rule #3 If you’re pants don’t fit over your tummy then they are too small. Oh and please don’t wear pants that barely cover your ass…nobody needs to see your ass smiling at them as you walk away.

Rule #4 Don’t think because you saw some skinny girl look cute in something, that means you will look cute wearing it too! I hate seeing fatties walk around in tights with a shirt…..NOOO!!! Seriously just don’t.

Rule #5 Mini dresses are for mini girls…Don’t wear a skirt or dress that barely covers your ass. I don’t care how big your self esteem is, you don’t look good!

Rule #6 Don’t wear really thin heels. Chances are people are watching you and betting on when the heel is going to snap and cause you to fall on your ass.

Rule #7 No thongs, g-strings or bikini underwear. Treat your ass like you do your boobs. Wear something that’s going to support all the lard hanging off of you. Nobody wants to see saggy tits or a saggy ass…plump it up!

Rule #8 No see through clothing. Just think to  yourself “would I look good walking around naked?” chances are you are going to say no!

Rule #9 No bikinis. Wear a nice bathing suit. Bathing suits are great to lift and tuck in any fatty areas, so they can slim you down and make you FABULOUS! Bikinis on the other hand chop your body up, show off the fatty areas and are not very slimming at all.

Rule #10 Don’t over do it on the ruffles, feathers or anything else that can make you look puffier. You don’t want to wear things that will make you look bigger than what you are.

Now in no way am I a fashion guru or specialist....these are my opinions. If you don't like it, don't read it....problem solved.

Wealth versus stability

So I happened to hear a girl chit-chatting with her girls about some guy she's dating and how her weekend went with him. This is what she said....

"So we've been dating for 2 months and he finally invited me over to hang out with him and his friends. So we agreed I'd meet him at his friends house saturday to hang out and watch the fight. Well i'm getting ready and about to leave when he calls me and he's all like hey are you on your way so I told him I was about to leave. Then he asks me if I can pick up 2 cokes on my way over there.....LIKE EXCUSE ME??? I mean he knows I don't drink soda and he asks me to bring sodas? Like what??? I mean am I his guest or am I like helping him throw this bash???"

Ok now seriously! Tell me that doesn't sound RETARDED! She goes on to start complaing about how he still lives at home, he's got this crappy 1994 toyota that's always breaking down and the more she dates him the more she realizes it's not gonna work out. Now I have heard this girl complain numerous times about how she's alone and she can't find a guy that is on her level....well she lives at home, drives an older 1999 car, still goes to school, is alone, drinks a lot and bitches about how she can't find the right guy!

BIG CLUE: stop looking for a nice car with a big wallet in it.

Why is it that there are so many women out there looking for a guy with a nice car, money in his pockets, his own place and looks good? What ever happened to liking a guy for being sweet and caring and thoughtful. Then these girls wonder why the guys treat them like shit....pick a guy with some character, not one that can BUY you a smile.

My sister had a friend who flunked out of high school, has no GED, has never had a job, lives at home and does nothing but she's always complaining about how if a guy wants to date her then he needs to have a really nice car, money, a good job and his own place....how does that make sense? I think it should be equal...a girl she be on the same level as a guy or at least trying to be on the same level. But now a days you find these girls waiting for the sugar daddy to roll up and ask them to marry them.

A piece of me...

So I’ve been thinking of starting a blog for a long time but always thought “ah who cares what I have to say??” then I realized the blog can be more for me to let off steam and just throw some random thoughts out…if someone reads it and is inspired to start one or I make a new friend through the random ranting than it is all worth it. Who knows maybe I’ll get some sanity back! Ha ha ha

I’ve had a very practical, simple, fun life…or at least I always think I do. But sometimes I find myself describing how I grew up and everything I’ve been through and it sounds like I’m describing this warped dramatic, depressive movie! One of those where you know all the girls are gonna watch cus of how sad it is and how it’s gonna make you cry like a little weenie! Ha ha I think maybe I’m so used to all the pain and anger that I’ve just sort of numbed out to it all. I find myself laughing at times and then feel the tears choking me up and all of a sudden I realize how horrible the things I’m saying TRULY sound.

Growing up in a Hispanic household you start to realize that a lot of emotions are ignored…if it’s not happy, nobody talks or deals with it. Not that this is how every Hispanic family is, but a lot of them are. I’ve learned in my house to just laugh things off, so now I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable or feel awkward about something. If a certain topic is hard for me to talk about I throw in a lot of jokes to make it sound less important….it’s my way of coping.

Something really bad happened to me when I was young, from about elementary school to Junior High…that I remember anyway. It hurt me physically, mentally, emotionally and took years for me to get past. It made me very hateful, angry and all I wanted was to be alone ALL the time! I never hugged people, said I love you, hardly ever smiled, spent most of my time locked up in my room or out wandering the streets so I wasn’t around my family. I think the more I was around my family the more pain I felt. A family member caused the situation and the rest of my family decided to be oblivious to it all. They looked at me with tears and told me to just “stay quiet and don’t talk about it”…that was their solution. Just NOT TALKING ABOUT IT. So I distanced myself from them all, moved out as soon as I was 18, fell in love with my husband and he’s been the sanity to my crazy life. He held my hand through everything, made me laugh when the tears started taking over and was there to rescue me every time my “family” made things worse.

I’ve learned to stay away from those that only hurt me, even if they are my parents. They don’t care about my safety, well being, and happiness so I choose to stay away from them. I haven’t spent a holiday or birthday with them in years and surprisingly I don’t miss it!  I’m happier than ever! I laugh all the time, don’t have drama in my life and I have this great son of my own who I protect from anything and everything. When I got pregnant I swore to myself that I would ALWAYS be there for my children, I’d be a better mom than mine. I’d be there for the good times and help them through the bad…I’d do my best to prevent any pain or bad things happening and if something did happen I’d be there for support, understanding and love! That is my one goal in life and I will spend my life making it happen.