Friday, July 22, 2011

Venting about lifes headaches

This one is going to be personal. So if you don’t wanna read mushy, angry, frustrated girl crap….close the blog and surf the web.

Lately I’ve been going through a lot with family and my hubby. I don’t know if it’s the stress I get from all the bullshit my family gives me or if it’s merely that I don’t feel like the hubby is being there for me like I need him to.

It seems to me, the more time passes, the more I feel like he’s settling into a routine that doesn’t involve me. What makes things worse is that he doesn’t talk to me about things. He can be hurting inside and instead of talking to me he shuts down and zones out on his games. His solution is to avoid reality and just think that the bad is going to go away on its own….well it hasn’t worked out so far! It’s been 7 years since we first started dating and I still feel like his girlfriend sometimes. Like no matter what I do, he won’t let me into his little world.

I’ve been arguing about him helping me around the house or doing this and that. To him it’s like all I do is complain so he just wants to go out and of course ignore me. He doesn’t understand that ignoring me is really just pissing me off twice as much. End result = I do it all by myself, I end up pissed, and I get to have no fun. To him it’s like “I did really good 2 days out of the week, isn’t that enough?” REALLY! So am I supposed to give him a freaking gold star because he managed to wash his dishes on the same day rather than wait until 2 days later to do them? I hate being his mother, I hate having to tell him to clean up his dishes or do his laundry because it’s spilling out onto the floor, or to even pick up the 4 pairs of pants he has laying around the room…why can’t he be a grown up?

Then there is the stress from family. It seems just as I am beginning to get along with one sister, she decides to “talk” about me not visiting the viejos or talking to my other family brothers/sisters. Why does everyone have to question and guilt me into pretending that everything is ok? Why does the responsibility always have to fall on me? I make a simple comment about how thing are and everyone is on me about how the vieja is depressed that I don’t visit and how she keeps asking if I hate her and why she can’t see her grandson…why am I always the bad guy? I didn’t decide to let someone hurt my daughter, I didn’t decide to choose some asswhole over my own flesh and blood. I would love for Nikko to know his grandparents and play with them and be able to trust that he’s safe there…but I can’t. They chose to ignore my pain and now I choose to ignore them.

Then there is the twin, the one person I used to feel the most connected with. Things with her have never been the same since I started rebelling against the family. She's always been the sun and I am always the moon. She tries to make everything seem happy and awesome while I call it reality and cuss it out for pissing me off. In some ways she's the only one I can talk to sometimes but in others I feel like I can't. We share so much in pain, anger and disappointment but while she calls it a juicy orange, I call it a rotten apple.

Lastly there are the friends or shall I say, the lack of them. Seems as I grew up and started a new life I weaved them into the chapters of my life while they ripped the page out and continued with their story. I never thought I'd be in this place...well more like I hoped I'd never find myself here.

It seems like no matter who I talk about, everyone is always looking out for themselves. Nobody wants to give me leverage or compromise with me. All anyone wants to do is worry about their own comforts…

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Friendships...

 I know we all grow at different paces...some of us sprint, some run full speed, and some just walk and enjoy the time. We all turn different corners down the path of life but in reality what makes us change so much that we lose friends and loved ones?

I know I've gained some friends and lost some friends and that is just the way life goes but when I really stop to think about it, I just don't understand why? Why is it that for years I can be great friends with someone? How can I talk with them every day, hang out every week and share life's important moments with someone and then in a blink of an eye that friend I had for years is just...GONE! I know the time went slow and they slowly disappeared into the dark but now it seems like it took mere seconds. Did I walk slower? Did they run faster? What happened that we no longer found a place in each others lives?

It makes me really sad to think back on all the friends I've lost, no matter what the reason. They take a part of me with them. The laughter I shared, the tears I cried, all the memories we created...left with them. That piece of me that was understood so well by that one person has to be silenced because no other person can ever understand it quite like they did.

Everyone always says we treat all friends the same and we love everyone but I can be honest and say I don't. There are some friends I can cry with, friends that will keep me laughing for days, friends that will rescue me when I call, friends who are only good for getting drunk etc... every person is unique and brings out that unique trait in you. When they leave that characteristic in you leaves too and a part of who you were is no longer there.

I only hope I find another friend to help me grow that piece I lost.....

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Missing knight in shining armor...

Why is it that people don't stop to help each other when in trouble? What happened to all the heroes & Knights in shining armor?

The other night I was walking around the neighborhood with the hubby. It's late at night, probably around 10pm or so. I heard a man yelling but paid no attention and then the hubby says "oh my gosh look it! That guy is totally pushing that girl around!" So I look and sure enough across the street I see a guy yelling angrily and shoving her around. I heard the girl yell and it looked like she was crying. They were walking through an empty parking lot, towards a car. The man continued yelling, I got scared so I told the hubby we should call the cops. He replied, "For what, by the time they come the couple will be gone." I continued to argue on calling the police and he kept arguing against it but I didn't feel comfortable just standing by. I started explaining that something serious could happen to her & what if he really HURT her?

So the question is...what would you do? When you see someone being abusive to another person or being aggressive, do you act on it? Do you step in to help or call the police...something! Or do you simply duck your head and continue on with your day?

A women is getting pushed around and instead of calling the cops you duck ur head and keep walking away. If that girl ends up dead or seriously hurt wouldn't you feel guilty?

I may be going to extremes here, I can see his side of thought. We are across the street so we can't see things clearly, he hasn't hit her, she's the idiot sticking around with the abusive guy, the cops take forever to arrive to a scene when you need them, and it's not like we can see the license plates to have the cops follow the car. But I just can't help but go into panic mode.

Maybe I've been working with domestic violence vicitims for too many years, maybe as a girl I just want to look out for my fellow ladies, maybe...I dunno but the thought of somebody getting hurt and me not doing anything about it just kills me. I've had some of our clients go missing and we find weeks later that the guy found them and took them out of the U.S. I've had men try to beat down our doors to get to their wives that are in counseling sessions, I've seen women cry and pour their hearts out & not have a clue as to how to make things stop or not know where to go. It's horrible to see a woman shrink herself into an insignificant object and still try to put on a brave face for her kids.

Another example: A couple months ago I heard shouting in the apartment in front of us. The 17 year old boy and his girlfriend had just come home from the hospital with their new baby about 2 weeks ago. I heard the 17 year old yelling at the girl saying how she ruined his life and I heard her screaming for help. Then I hear dad yelling at the son to get off her and then there's a bunch of pounding and screaming. Now I see 4 people come out of their apartments to see what's going on...I heard nobody say a word about calling the police. So I automatically think "there's a newborn in the home, the guy is going crazy, the girl is yelling for help...time to call the cops" So I did. I called, gave them the information to the apartments, explained the situation and gave my information in case they needed to talk to me when they got here. Well cops arrived while the boy is still yelling and they charged in & I saw them take him out of the house handcuffed.

Now some people told me I should have just left it alone, if dad was there to handle it but that just was not an option for me. There is a newborn baby that could get hurt, obviously dad couldn't handle him because the girl would start yelling for help from time to time, and the yelling and pounding went on for a good 15 minutes before the cops got there and stopped it. You can NEVER be too safe! How people can come to "watch the show" but not want to get involved enough to make a call to the police is BEYOND my understanding.

All I know is if I hear/see someone in danger, you best believe I will stand in or call the police...I do what I can to help others, even when they aren't brave enough to ask for the help.