The hubby & I have always had trouble agreeing on how to spend our free time. While I like to keep busy doing things like cleaning, going for walks, going to the stores, the beach, the park etc… He’s always been more of a relaxed kind of person. He enjoys lounging at home, playing video games, watching movies/T.V., catching up on sleep, so most of the time, that’s what we do.
Sometimes I get very frustrated, angry, depressed etc… from being indoors for too long. If I am home for more than a couple hours I NEED to leave for a walk or something, just need to get out for a couple minutes at least. I don’t think he’s ever really understood my need for being out of the house. He’s always told me that he grew up sheltered and couldn’t go out much unless it was with his parents. I on the other hand left the house every chance I got…whether my parents knew or not.
As I broke down crying about how I was feeling really depressed and couldn’t stand being home I heard myself rambling on and on. As I heard myself saying these things I thought, “What a fucken crackhead! He must be SO in love with me to put up with my Psycho-Babble!” It amazes me sometimes how I can think clearly through an emotion and yet, I can’t stop the emotion from taking over. I can sit there and say “I know I am being overly-dramatic and am being stupid about something so insignificant…” but it’s how I am feeling at that moment and I just need to ride the emotion out. Sometimes I’ll just tell the hubby, “I’m being super emotional so watch out, I suggest you be super nice and just smile at everything I say” ha ha ha or sometimes I will tell him to just steer clear cus I’m in a mood. It helps prevent arguments until I can get rid of the “shitty emotional Jacky” and move on to “happy reasonable Jacky”.
So Saturday I had a fight with the hubby, I broke down and cried my ass off. As he sat there trying to console me and we talked it out, I came upon a…REVELATION. I’ve never been able to explain why I don’t like to sit at home or why I love being out SO much! I think it’s because I myself never really understood why I felt the way I do. I always made the excuse that I want Nikko to have fun and experience all these things. But I came to the realization Saturday that I hate being home because to me a home is full of pain and anger.
Growing up in my house was fun…sometimes. But truthfully we don’t remember the happy times as much as the painful ones. The pain, depression, anger and hatred that I developed while living at home will always be in the back of my head. I like to wander because it’s an escape from the pain that dwells at home when I was growing up. For me a home always brought pain and anger…so I never liked being home. Even now as I’ve grown up and have my own place. I can only tolerate being home for so long. I get angry and depressed if I’m indoors for too long. I just associate my place with all the problems in my life. While I am out it’s like I’ve left all of the problems and madness at home. It’s like reality hits me when I open the door to walk into my place.
I can say 75% of the time things are good! I’m chasing Nikko up and down the stairs, playing water fights in the bathtub, or jumping on the beds with him…SHHHH Dad doesn’t know about that ha ha ha. I am playing a video game with papa, getting frisky, or just taking a moment to relax with him & watch a movie …but there will always be that 25% that hits me on a random day. It’s so sad that I can’t be happy 24/7 in the home I’ve created for my family. I guess it’s just one of the maddening thoughts I need to continue to work through in order to be sane again.
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