The Vieja and me.....

So the Vieja, as I call my mother, got really sick yesterday. I was an hour into work and all of a sudden I get a call from my twin crying. The Vieja was taken to the ER and then admitted to the hospital for overnight stay. As soon as she said it, I felt my heart pumping faster, my body went cold and I couldn't think...I just wanted to hit pause and wait for my mind & body to catch up to reality. I spent the next couple hours feeling like I was on an adrenaline rush! I couldn't stop twitching my feet, I felt like I was in a rush to do everything, my voice was shaky, I felt fine then all of a sudden I'd start to cry....

When I finally decided to leave work early and go see her I was surprisingly calm. Like the thought alone of seeing her had fixed everything. On the way to the hospital I found myself wishing I had just stayed at work. I walked into the hospital with my sister and she automatically walked up to the Vieja to hug her and give her a kiss but I just walked in, sat down and said hello. The Vieja smiled and said hello. I could tell she was trying to act like everything was fine....like she was just getting her hair done or something! ha ha ha

It's weird to think though...my initial reaction towards the Vieja is always to stand away, just say hello and don't get close. But all my other sisters and brothers are huggin and kissing and chatting it up with her. Not that I am not a hugger or kisser, I do hug and kiss but it's not something that's natural to me.So I just sat to the side and found myself paying more attention to the television than to the Vieja. I hardly talked or joined the conversation, just sat there and listened. The only time I talked was when we started popping jokes. The Vieja always gets these younger, hotty, male nurses! ha ha ha We always ask her if she got a hot guy nurse and she blushes and then says "Oh yeah! I got all embarrassed when he was looking at all the goods!" The Vieja can be fun when she wants to. But she went on talking about the male nurse and how hunky he was and "oh but don't tell your father" ha ha ha As if we would.

As we left the hospital a couple hours later I started thinking about the visit. As much as I try to just talk randomly about whatever with the Vieja, the only thing I can do is joke with her. It made me realize something....

I feel awkward talking to my mom. I feel so distant from her that I don't know how to carry a conversation anymore...I can't sit with her by myself because then I just feel awkward. Like I'm meeting a stranger for the first time or something. IT'S WEIRD!

I've distanced myself from my family so much because of the hurtful things I had to grow up with and feeling like I had no support from them. I just didn't see a point in socializing with them. So I hardly ever talk to anyone, hang out with them or even bother to send a text saying "hey". I stopped calling my parents "Mom" and "Dad" and just started calling them "Viejo" and "Vieja". One day I was arguing with them over some childhood stuff and when I left I angrily just called him Viejo instead of Dad. He of course of got mad and said "Huh who you calling old! You'll be my age one day watch!" Ever since then that's what I call them. In all honesty I feel like I lost my mom and dad a long time ago...I don't feel like my parents deserve to be called mom and dad because to me, they haven't been a mom and dad. Yes they've raised me, clothed me, fed me and all. But any random person can do that. To me a mother and father care for their children, watch over them, protect them, feel for them, are there to wipe the tears away, to make their lives happier....that's something I think they failed in doing. 

As the night went on I heard my twin discussing who would stay with the Vieja during the day at the hospital and who would switch off in the evening....she got upset because my other sister backed out from going during the day as planned and she couldn't take the day off from work to go. I knew I could stay out of work to go but I told her in all honesty....I didn't want to. As much as I care for the Vieja and worry about her health, the thought of having to spend hours alone with her....it just was not going to go well. I can't talk to her, don't much get along with her...a visit is one thing but to stay with her is totally undo-able for me!

Is it wrong that I think this way of the person who gave birth to me???