A piece of me...

So I’ve been thinking of starting a blog for a long time but always thought “ah who cares what I have to say??” then I realized the blog can be more for me to let off steam and just throw some random thoughts out…if someone reads it and is inspired to start one or I make a new friend through the random ranting than it is all worth it. Who knows maybe I’ll get some sanity back! Ha ha ha

I’ve had a very practical, simple, fun life…or at least I always think I do. But sometimes I find myself describing how I grew up and everything I’ve been through and it sounds like I’m describing this warped dramatic, depressive movie! One of those where you know all the girls are gonna watch cus of how sad it is and how it’s gonna make you cry like a little weenie! Ha ha I think maybe I’m so used to all the pain and anger that I’ve just sort of numbed out to it all. I find myself laughing at times and then feel the tears choking me up and all of a sudden I realize how horrible the things I’m saying TRULY sound.

Growing up in a Hispanic household you start to realize that a lot of emotions are ignored…if it’s not happy, nobody talks or deals with it. Not that this is how every Hispanic family is, but a lot of them are. I’ve learned in my house to just laugh things off, so now I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable or feel awkward about something. If a certain topic is hard for me to talk about I throw in a lot of jokes to make it sound less important….it’s my way of coping.

Something really bad happened to me when I was young, from about elementary school to Junior High…that I remember anyway. It hurt me physically, mentally, emotionally and took years for me to get past. It made me very hateful, angry and all I wanted was to be alone ALL the time! I never hugged people, said I love you, hardly ever smiled, spent most of my time locked up in my room or out wandering the streets so I wasn’t around my family. I think the more I was around my family the more pain I felt. A family member caused the situation and the rest of my family decided to be oblivious to it all. They looked at me with tears and told me to just “stay quiet and don’t talk about it”…that was their solution. Just NOT TALKING ABOUT IT. So I distanced myself from them all, moved out as soon as I was 18, fell in love with my husband and he’s been the sanity to my crazy life. He held my hand through everything, made me laugh when the tears started taking over and was there to rescue me every time my “family” made things worse.

I’ve learned to stay away from those that only hurt me, even if they are my parents. They don’t care about my safety, well being, and happiness so I choose to stay away from them. I haven’t spent a holiday or birthday with them in years and surprisingly I don’t miss it!  I’m happier than ever! I laugh all the time, don’t have drama in my life and I have this great son of my own who I protect from anything and everything. When I got pregnant I swore to myself that I would ALWAYS be there for my children, I’d be a better mom than mine. I’d be there for the good times and help them through the bad…I’d do my best to prevent any pain or bad things happening and if something did happen I’d be there for support, understanding and love! That is my one goal in life and I will spend my life making it happen.